Cowgirl_Mom

Ramblings of a Mom
2005-05-10 12:24:51 (UTC)

I am your slave, what can I do for you?

Don't take this entry to heart, it's just that I needed to
vent, and, since I don't exactly have friends I talk to on
a regular basis (besides my mother, who I talk to daily), I
needed to go somewhere with this. Just so I could let go
and let God, ya know?
I feel like this morning would have been better off if I
had responded "Yes, boss", "Yes, sir", or even "Yes, dear"
rather than arguing, but of course I rebelled, so of course
it went to the same old stuff, and I had to tell him just
to get out. I didn't want it to continue to escalate in
front of both of the boys, and if it continued, it would
have. It was better for him to go ahead, get the older boy
to the bus stop, and go on to work. And, no, we won't be
talking about it later, either.
It all started over the fact that I didn't have on a pair
of shorts. I had on a T-shirt and panties (what I sleep
in) and had not taken the time to put on a pair of shorts
yet. The whole side of our house that faces the road is
bay windows with sheer curtains, and I was standing there,
peeling an onion for the baby's eggs. He asks me why I
don't have panties on and I tell him I do (my goodness, is
his eye sight failing too? they're green taz ones!), and
he says, no I meant shorts, why don't you have them on
yet. I tell him that I just haven't done it, I am not
usually wandering around the house at that time of morning,
I'm usually on my butt in my chair at the dining room table
making sure that Tyler is eating his breakfast and getting
out the door on time. Anywhere else in the house becomes
a "You're in my road" situation with my husband trying to
get out the door as well.
Anyway, he tells me how he doesn't understand why I don't
just automatically put on a pair of shorts when I get up,
that there's people out there (OMG!!! If they are out
there, looking into our windows at 5:30-6:30 in the
morning, more power to them, it's not like it's something
worth looking at or looking for!) and how this is something
that he complains about all the time. I go into our room,
telling him that I don't understand why he feels why he has
to bitch at me every single morning (it's not usually me,
but mostly my older son, but it's got to be somebody!), and
he tells me that I need it. Of course I tell him that no I
don't, and he waves his arms around the house, and says,
yes, you do, I bitch about the same old shit, and nothing
gets done until I get all over your ass about it. Then,
here's the catalyst for me...He says "Just CHANGE!"
Okay, that's when I tell him to just get out. I don't
appreciate anyone telling me that their mission is to
change me or that I need to change just to make them
happy. Been there, done that. Ended in divorce and I
didn't know who I was because I was so busy being who he
wanted me to be (or so I thought what he wanted).
I feel that I am a slave to this house, a prisoner in my
own home and lifestyle. The last time he went ballistic
about the house not being clean, I gave up going to the
school every day helping out. The week before last I was
doing good with the house and all, but last week was hell
on me. The baby has been up anywhere from 1 to 5 times a
night, he is not sleeping during the day, has a runny nose,
and I think is teething. My husband has not spent a full
week home in I don't know how long now, they have been
sending him out of town with less than 24 hours notice and
being gone anywhere from 1 day to 4 days. I have a hard
time getting motivated to do my chores and such with these
kind of circumstances.
This week has hardly started, and he started in on me about
things on Saturday, and continued on Monday (even though it
was Mother's Day). Speaking of change, hmmmmm, if he can
ask me to change, can I expect the same of him? I remind
him of Mother's Day on at least 3 occasions, and he tells
me to get something for myself. I tell him I want the new
Amy Grant CD, and he tells me that that can be from our
youngest son, he personally doesn't like Amy Grant, and
that I need to get myself something 'good' from him. Okay,
he tells me that he needs the car Saturday for him and the
older son for a bit. I'm thinking, cool, he's going to get
a gift, or at least a card. We come home in time for him
to be off of work Saturday, and wait and wait for him to
come home.
Oh, he went to Home Depot right off of work in his truck,
and has no other errands to run. My ex takes the older son
to a movie and pizza and brings him home later that night,
but he thought to buy me a card from our son for Mother's
Day! And we're even divorced! When I say something Sunday
about not getting anything, besides a pillow thrown on my
head at 6:30 in the morning, and told Happy Mother's Day,
he quips how he hears nothing but about how broke we are.
But are we ever too broke to get our loved one a card once
in awhile? Especially considering that he is far from
romantic or good at stating or showing his feelings! One
mushy card a couple of times a year would allow him to show
that side of things without having to say anything.
Can I ask for him to change to pick up after himself,
picking up his spit bottles, turning lights off when he
leaves the room or the area, putting the food away after he
has made his lunch, cleaning up the leftovers after he
cooks (the list goes on and on, of course)? Can I ask the
7 year old to change and to take up some kind of
responsibility around the house too? All he has right now
is to take the dogs in and out, feed the cats, and
occasionally clean his room. I am left with absolutely
everything else, including mothering two adorable boys, but
one who can be very demanding of my time, as he goes
through the stage of everything is about me, I don't want
to share Mommy with anything or anyone else.
I am sure that time management and organizational skills
could use some work, as well as my housecleaning skills,
although once one area is better, I'm sure the other would
follow. But it buggers the hell out of me that people add
to the mess and leave it for me to clean up after them like
little pigs and then he feels (when he is contributing to
the mess) that he can bitch at me about it and act likr I
never have the house clean. I don't know about anyone
else, but I tend to get more done when there is positive
reinforcement, rather than constant negative. I've told
him this before, and was told that he shouldn't have to do
that. Maybe he ought to try it some time.


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