DThoby

Confessions of a Dangerous Mind
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2005-05-10 06:14:22 (UTC)

Solitude...

Soitude is a very scary thing. Being alone, just you and
your thoughts, which by the way, for some of us...can be
very dangerous. But this feeling is one that I have had
for a few weeks now. I feel like I have hit a brick wall,
fell down a well, in other words...I'M ALL FUCKED UP. Have
any of you ever had the feeling that no matter what you
do, no matter how much the world is moving forward, you,
are not. Its like my feel are running but somebody has
lifted my body up in the air and is just holding me there.
I sit back and look at things in my life and try to put
things into perspective. I cant seem to find anything
good. My credit is fucked, it has taken me 5 years almost
to finish a 2 year school (I know, I know...at least I did
it. Whatever), I have no girlfreind becuase I fear I may
have scared all of the good ones away, one of the only
things in this world that made me happy is wrecked, and
all my good friends are an hour or more away. I dont want
to give the impression that this is a campaign for
sympathy, no, more so a peep hole, kinda like the one that
kramer tried to get everyone to have in his building in
some seinfeld episode(the peepholes were backwards so
people could see you, and not the opposite like they were
intended). I want everyone to take a look and understand
how not to do things. If you love something enough to cry
when you lose it...dont lend it out. Examples of this
include motorcycles that you love, your heart (thats a big
one, be extra careful with that one), your word(never
vouch for someone if they will screw you), and other such
things. You see trust is like liquor during
prohibition...so hard to get and when its gone, its very
hard to get back. So what do we do??? We bootleg it...let
people into our lives that we shouldnt and push away the
people that truly care about us. Trusting the wrong people
in life can really screw you up and make you question
everything about yourself; kinda like staying in blackjack
when you know you should have hit only to see the next
card that is flipped could have gave you 21...now the next
time you are put in this position you may make the wrong
play. Another way I illustrate this is when your taking a
test with multiple choice questions and you get 4 or 5 A's
or B's in a row and the next question may be A or B but
you think "could there really be this many in a row???",
so you check C. In these situations you have to follow
your heart and instincts. Do not listen to the haters that
are mad because you might have actually been able to turn
around the "player" that they couldnt. Ok, ok I'm
rambling...but there is a method to my madness. I feel
that I may be incapable to love anyone anymore. I have
played so much and actually gotten played (yes, I have
been played), and now I cant make rational decision when
someone shows me that they care. I have always pushed
people away and have always feared committment. I keep
thinking this will change...but what if it doesnt??? Am I
destined to grow into a lonely, old man watching WWE
wrestling in my tidy whities, while I sip on Genny Lite???
This would be the destiny that so many females have told
me in the past on my voicemail when I didnt call them
back, or as I broke up with them or played them or just
didnt treat them right. Well for those of you that have
believed this or still do...leave me a message in relation
to this entry and I promise to contact you in 50 years(if
I make it that long) and I will bow graciously in defeat.
Ok so I totally derailed from my initial thought, but,
this is what these things are for. So, I do say, dont push
people away and follow your heart before it is just you
and the shadows on the wall...do no live in solitude!!!


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