The Metro can be a bumpy ride
so i'm riding home from work on the good ole metro. the
stinky, god forsakenly disgusting, metro. creeping and
crawling with the enigmatically eerie excuses for human
beings that frequent it. today i was lucky enough to get a
window seat so i didn't have to stand with my face in some
man's giant man-breats that are oozing sweat. i was
partially through a sentence in my book when i heard a
i looked to my left and there was this colossal white woman
with a completely flushed face sitting next to me. she was
sweatin' like a mexican running for the border, wheezing and
snorting apparently trying to catch her breath. this went
on for about 3 minutes until finally the bitch calmed down.
we rode together for about 4 stops when she decided it was
time to get her fat ass up.
she got up and the metro came to a screeching halt (i really
think the metro employees do this to piss people off) and
the motion started. she lurched forward trying to keep her
balance, but her massive disposition of her center of
gravity wasn't having any of that. her anus was basically a
lead weight determined to sink the boat of a body above it.
then came the really sad thing. she started flailing her
arms and screeching like a frightened parrot. her flabby
arms tried to grasp the rail of the seat in front of her.
her hand caught on to it for a second until her massive ass
brought the whole grim spectacle to its inevitable end.
and my god did it shake the metro. it was seriously like
t-rex had fallen. i looked around and saw all of these
suppressed smiles forming on the mouths of everyone around.
i was waiting for the whole train to burst out. it was a
9.7 on the scale of incredibly hilariously spontaneous
things to have happen.
it was dead quiet.......for two seconds.
then these 3 black guys (who had been loudly talking just a
second before) started laughing, with one guy yelling at the
top of his lungs,
"oh my gawwwwdddd! that's the funniest shit i's eva
they roared and roared and roared. the sad thing was no one
could keep their smiles back and their opening the flood
gates didn't help. but now comes the ultimate insult. it
had taken her so long to get up off the ground (it involved
several seconds of rolling from side to side), that she
missed her stop.
beat red she got off with me at mine. i feel badly for her
now, i mean talk about having the worst day of your life.
but then again, those arms flailing and the colossal sound
of her rump smashing into the ground........