PacificoRock

Pacifico: Rock's Modest Models
2005-05-09 04:35:30 (UTC)

thin skin & an open heart


so I finnally pinned it
I have social anxiety
or i am socially challenged
i have always been un easy around new people or in a crowd
I can entertain and be free when I am on stage in front of
a ton of people I don't know
but whenever it involves small groups or people I do know
I freak whether it's in an entertainment vein or me just
being me
i apologize to anyone that might wonder who i really am or
think I am an or who i let down...etc.
unless I have a friend (or Girlfriend) to use as a crutch
I don't do social outings
and if I am at one I avoid people I don't know cause I
don't know what to say or how to react and I HATE chit-chat
I want something meaningful
i am strange

anywho
on a different level
i am completely scared this is the 1st time I have ever
been on my own (musically) I have always gravatated
towards bands
I like the comradery(sp?), friendship...etc.
but i realize I have spent too much time doing what others
want(musically) and not enough of what I want
I know that might sound selfish but sometimes looking
after "you" is a good thing
and I hope this proves me right
i have started demoing music for my new album
I basically recorded everything I could remember that I
haven't already gotten on tape before
and then i go in in a week or so to start recording
i don't have a clue what I am doing yet but I hope to
capture what i hear in my head
I do know there will be alot of guitar, piano, bass,
drums, and strings
I think it will probably be a mix of weezer, the beatles,
the beach boys, michael jackson, rufus wainwright and jeff
buckley
yeah and I think the album title will be the same as the
title of this diary entry
anywho let me know what you think
other than that
I get bothered by my Grandmother
I don't know her
I know nothing about her and as time passes it seems like
she doesn't want to know me
it seems like she just gets more and more secluded
more and more bitter
I want more than anything to open her up and know whats in
that big heart and mind of hers
i love her
i think she might have cancer and I want to know about her
and my grandad(my only set and GD already passed) before
she's gone
I pray that that happens
well I am off to bed
it feels good to clear my head
thank you
matthew
CD: Gorillaz (pretty good but basically only worth a
couple songs)
movie: Phantom Of The Opera (so awesome)
book: thin skin (good)