Completely Incomplete

Letting Go Is All I've Held Onto
2005-05-04 01:05:04 (UTC)

To be me again.

I don't even know what it is anymore.
I want to cry so bad right now ... but there's nothign to
cry about. Nothing at all.
I don't know what's wrong with me anymore.
I should be doing homework, but I keep feeling sick to my
stomache and tears sting my eyes. I don't even know why. A
little bit ago I couldn't have been happier. Some kind of
dramatic mood swing.
I don't know what's right or wrong anymore. I want to
break down and cry, but ... I also know how stupid that
sounds. There's nothing wrong ... and I keep having these
stupid 'what if' thoughts dance across my shattered mind.
It's stupid yes ... I know it is.
I have ot get this homework done, but I can't focus
I want to smile ... this isn't me. What kind of monster
have I become? I used to laugh, I used to smile, I used to
be optimistic ... I used to want to live life to the
fullest, now ... I don't want to laugh, I want to smile
but I can't, I'm looking at the glass half empty, and I
don't want to live life at all.
I want to crawl into bed ... and never wake up, ever
I really wish Nik would come online. I don't really want
to talk to anyone else ... only him.
I've eaten a couple handfulls of popcorn, and a little bit
of chocolate. I'm not hungry either.
I want to just crawl into bed, and never wake up.
I hope to god that this is just a phase that I'll go
through or something. I fucking hate what I've become, but
I can't change anything. It's in my power now, but I just
can't bring myself to laugh or make a joke or smile or
anything anymore.
I think I'll lay down for a bit ... or get started on my
homework ... I want to sleep ... I want to escape into a
dream land where nothing bad ever happens. I want ... to
be me again.