Completely Incomplete

Letting Go Is All I've Held Onto
2005-05-03 20:15:26 (UTC)

Hemhem .... BULLSHIT!!!

Wow, you know, I never thought it was humanly possible to
with stand that much senseless drivel for over an hour.
Let's just say, to keep this short and say the least,
that ... the counciling didn't go over too well.
You know, the could have given me someone who wouldn'y
judge, and wouldn't be so critical, and actually hear what
I've got to say.
Not someone who latches on to the slightest detail and
feeds off it like some kind of high-bred locust.
Like I new she would, her first question was, "Boyfreind?"
She fed off of him. SHe ran the setence until she ran it
dry. She asked if how old he was, what was his influence
on me, and these seem like normal questions, right? Then
she asked if he was ever diagnosed with a depretion or
anxiety disorder. I declared yes, he is bipolar. Then she
asked if he was on any special medication ... uhm no? Well
apart from the Lyme disease, but that's another story in
it's own.
She ignored anything about Kevin, which I was a little
skeptical about. And she focused on Nik above all. It
started to piss me off eventually. She told me I should
stay away from him, and let him go. "He is having a
negative impact on you, and he seems to be dragging to
down with him." ... Hemhem ... BULLSHIT LADY!
He fucking saved my life. I was ready to do it, I had a
fool proof plan, and I could've gotten away with it to!
But no, he stopped me. He cared enough, he loved me enough
to make me see ... I was ... needed. And she wen't on bad
mouthing him, saying derogitory statements, so harsh and
judging.
Her advice ... was to stay away from Kade and Nik. Pff
yeah like that's gunna happen.
Listen lady, I know you said I'm too "involved" with other
people's lives, and why shouldn't I be? I was there for MY
problems, not THEIR problems, you bound up old bat. Tell
me, if you were a thin wall, standing between one of your
best freinds, and a bitter sweet dimise of the blade of a
knife, would you do what a wall should? Knowing there are
no other walls around to help, you are but one, alone, in
your wall-ish state. Would you do what walls are meant to
do, and stand strong, not letting victims pass you by to a
bloody suicidal death, or would you be a selfish, uncaring
wall, and step aside, knowing that your crutial act of
heartlessness led to another tragic death, that you could
have stopped? I would like to think I did the right thing
for Kade, and was strong, like the wall I was.
And Nik, Hmm ... stay away from the hero that saved my
life? He SAVED me. He was another strong wall, he may not
know it, but was going to do it. That night, actually. And
he stopped me. He didn't step aside. He didn't let me go.
Now, she is telling me to stay away from him? Hmm ...
telling me to stand back from the one thing that had kept
me alive, telling me to give up the one who rescued me, I
wouldnt even have been able to talk to her, no one would
know, and I wouldnt be typing this. He SAVED me, and she
wants me to stay away from him? What the fuck? She
basically told me to go kill myself there, which evidently
WAS WHY I WAS THERE!
But I'll admit, I was a good girl, and I bit my tounge,
and held back. Otherwise I'd be dealing with a law suit
right now.
I lied twice ... she asked if I had, had a plan to kill
myself. ... Which I said no. When really, I knew exactly
what I would have done. And she asked if I had
expiremented with drugs or alcohal ... I said no. Well
it's not technically a drug really ... just a way to get
high ... it wasn't a lie! It was a ... fib! Mwuah ha ha!
And, she recomended "Anger Managment" ... good greif. She
pissed me off by blaming Nik for it all, I wasn't going to
let her say that.
SHe gave me a card for children's help phone. She
recomended me to another therapist ... Tim Piper. Maybe he
would be a little less critical and judgmental. And maybe
he'll have half a brain too. That might help, just a
little.
I'll admit I still need help. I don't know what kind of
help, I don't need reason to live, I've got that, I don't
need people to listen, I've got that too. I don't know
what I need ... just help.
*sigh* she's also making mom talk to Dr. Amin about drugs
for me. I'm pretty sure I don't need them, unless they
have some sort of drug that tells you to put a knife down
and quit acting that way.




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