ashleyrae18

ashleyrae18
2005-04-27 04:08:09 (UTC)

I have been to Paris, I have been to Rome...

"I have been to Paris, I have been to Rome, I have been to London, I am
all alone. I have been to Paris, I have been to Rome, I've been to New
York City, I am still all alone." Adam Duritz CC

Well after reading my last entry, I hate to say I'm feeling a little down
about everything right now. I know that I can't expect life to always be
so ridiculously exciting, but the insignificant stresses of everyday life
really start to wear on you when there arn't any of the distractions that
come with travel and other unique experiances. I mean when I was
abroad I wasn't worried about feeling fatiuged, and rising gas prices and
where my life was going. As I watch the seniors getting ready to leave, I
wonder where my life is going to go. That's such a silly, broad, almost
meaningless statement when you see it written out like that... where is
my life going??? It dosen't really matter does it? I guess my only fear is
that I'll live my life and not do all the things I've always dreamed, but
again, isn't that what everyone says? I feel better when I look over the
past but once you have things so well how do you go back to reality.
And death, how do people cope with death, even though we know
everyone dies, I don't know if anyone really believes in it. At the risk of
sounding Matrixesque, you have to wonder hoo much of life we could
have created in our minds. If you think of the deep, untouched regions
of human capacity then why not? Hasn't every one at one point believed
that their life is just some elaborate trick of the mind? There are lots of
people with mental disorders who create alternate lives, multiple
personalities and distorted realities which they believe in fully? How do
we know that we arn't living in that world. Why does this one seem so
rational to us when it is really so random and chaotic. Don't we just
spend our lives trying to make order out of disorder? Designating goals
and morals, which we can use to measure the value of our life?
Seeing the world only makes it bigger. I think, I thought I
understood the unfathomable size of the world before I saw any of it,
but then to see something, just a little part that is so different from
yours, and all of a sudden the world is huge, ridiculously big. I think of
how big my life is to my own self, how much space it takes up in my
mind, filling every second of every day. And all the connections you
make everyday, people you see, touch, pass, don;t see, conversations
which are constantly shaping your life, and others and the entire world.
I think about the tiny towns up on the sides of the Swiss Alps, how
different they seem from the world i occupy but how they exist. You
don't realize (or believe) that they really act and interact and constantly
thrive the way that places you are familiar with do. They are imaginary,
or in many cases not even that. My mind cannot stop living in that town.
I'm going to watch a mindless hour of Lifetime to make my calm
down. This diary just encourages this random crap.




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