daily self deceptions...
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2005-04-26 03:14:19 (UTC)

Mixed Emotions

'Dirty' is away. He had to leave his state to go to his
home state for a funeral for his friend. It will be a week
away. We haven't gone a week without really TALKING in more
then a year. He left for Mexico a few months ago; was to be
there a week and he came home after a few days with a story
of getting food poisoining. But the truth later came out
that he just came home to talk to me, because he missed me.
The beginning of this three year craziness was rough. The
middle was a bit crazy and confusing. And now it's
just 'normal'. We haven't gone a day without talking in
more then a year.
Today is that day.
The first day in over a year where I didn't get one call.
First day in months that I didn't get a Good Morning wake
up call. First day in months that I don't get a Goodnight
call. It's weird. Slightly difficult to concentrate.. in a
crazy, obsessive way.
You'd think being in my mid-twenties I'd have more
independence but I've always relied on men in my life. My
father when I was younger, then many boyfriends I've had,
my (now) ex-fiance, my current BF, and 'Dirty'. I feel lost
without him. I know he's around and whatnot but I'm not
used to the fact that I can't just call him and hear his
soothing, incredibly sexy voice.
Yes, I still have the BF. He's not giving me something I
need. Something I literally crave. 'Dirty' is everything
I've ever wanted. Everything I've dreamed of. He's far from
perfect but he works hard on his faults, for himself and
for me. I want him to love me so much. He wouldn't love me
as much as he does if he knew the real me. I've lived a lie
with him for over 3 years now. a HUGE lie. I must change
But back to the BF.
He's great to me. Would never cheat, etc. But like I
said, he's lacking something I need. He doesn't make me
feel special. My birthday just recently past and he didn't
even get me a card. Yes, he took me out shopping the day
after my bday and bought me a few shirts and some underwear
but still. Not even a card for my bday? He didn't give me
one for valentines day either. Yet I gave him one. I think
he and I are both in this relationship for convenience. We
don't even sleep together anymore, by my choice. He tryed
over and over again so much I think he's just givin up now.
Before new years eve, we hadn't slept together for 3
months. We slept together that night and then haven't again
since. So If I don't count that one night, then we havent
slept together in approximately half a year..God...6
months. Why the fuck hasn't he asked why we aren't fucking?
I mean seriously. If he was pushin me off of him constantly
my ass would be in his face asking WHY. See? It's all so
weird isn't it. The sex really wasn't ever that good to
begin with but at least it was sex. Well I lie. He and I
started out as close friends.. turned to friends with
benefits. Then he decided in the middle of having sex to
tell me he loved me. Then he did that same move the next 3
times we had sex. And then it happened eventually. I fell
in love with him. I do still love him; always will no
matter what. He's the kind of guy your parents would want
you to marry; from the outside. What parents don't know is
he's a 25 year old pothead with no desire to ever quit.
Pot. No big deal right? Well I'm done with that shit. I
don't want to be with someone when I'm 40 whose sitting
around smokin' a bowl. Lame. I'm ready to settle down and
get married and start a family. I'm in my mid twenties.
That's normal.
Speaking of kids. I mentioned to 'Dirty' about (for
reasons I won't bring up) that I wanted to have a child. I
never said with him or anything. In fear of that
frightening him I even said, " I won't try and get pregnant
while I'm there with you, don't worry" and he laughed a
strange laugh. Finally after much coaxing he told me why he
laughed so oddly. " *K*, In all honesty if you got pregnant
I would be happy. You're my life. You're the one I want to
marry. You're the one I want to have a family with. You
getting pregnant with my child would make so much sense to
me." Crazy. He.. the one who has had sex with Oh so many
women. Who never ever wanted to settle down. Now wants to
settle down. With me. He, who stopped smoking pot, for me.
He, who stopped drinking, because he wanted to make himself
a better man, to 'be good enough for me'.
I keep going from one man to the next. Typical female
brain. Most people, especially young girls in their teens,
would think it was great to have two men who loved you. I
used to dream of it. Think it was great to have so many men
want me. I loved attention. Still do. Now that I'm older I
realized I can't handle it. I can't break hearts anymore. I
love them both. I truly do. I'm in love with two men. Two
men who love me. Two men whom I lied to both of them. Big
lies. Lies that most likely wouldn't be forgiven. Secrets.
Kept so many secrets from them both.
I deserve neither of them. But I love them both.... I'm in
love with two men....

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