LibraLady

ImIn&Lost
2005-04-25 14:36:57 (UTC)

Paranoid me!!!

Boy did this weekend suck!! I seem to continuely mess
things up. Both Saturday and Sunday I ended up crying and
basically over stupid stuff. My husband must think I'm
crazy or like he said yesterday, childish. I let myself get
upset when I think he's mad at me. I asked him if he
thought our marriage had been more good or bad. Of course
he says good, but I swear not to long ago he was pointing
out how our marriage has not been great. I look at him and
I see someone who's so unhappy. Like yesterday, we went
shopping. I know it's not thrilling, but I hoped for him to
be in a good mood. I tried to make myself pretty by putting
on some makeup. He seemed distant and not very talkative. I
asked him if something was wrong, he says no. I try and be
loving and he tells me that I stink. I couldn't figure out
what it was. He was smelling my hair and clothes. He really
made me feel like shit. I ended up stopping at walgreens
and getting some deoderant. He gets mad at me and says I'm
acting childish. I told him what do you expect me to do.
You said I stink and I don't want to go to dinner if I
smell. He gets really quiet. I ask him if he's mad at me.
He says no, but I'm going to be if you keep asking me. I
ask him where do you want to eat. He says he don't care. I
can tell he's mad so I get upset. All I wanted was for us
to have a good time together and he ends up getting mad and
I cry. When I get home I go upstairs and ball like a baby.
I keep telling myself, this isn't going to work. I just
want to be happy. He's not happy with me. We're just
fooling ourselves. He'll end up leaving me and I'll end up
regretting every minute with him. I will wish I never let
myself believe in him and that he loved me. These are the
kind of things I think when I feel like he's mad at me or
when I feel like he don't want to be around me. Later on we
started to forget about earlier and I was making every
effort I could to smooth things over and get back on track.
I told him I would bake a cake for him, but I wanted to do
it in a different way. He ask me how and I told him I was
going to make it in the nude. He seemed surprise and he was
defiantly watching me. Everytime I turned around he was
looking at me. After I got done baking I asked him to get
naked. He wanted to go upstairs. So we went upstairs and he
watched me for awhile, if you know what I mean:) I asked
him what was wrong because he seemed distant. He said he
needed me to get him in the mood. That kind of bugged me
because I thought parading around naked would do that. He
had told me saturday that he had a naughty dream about me
so I thought it was on his mind. He tells me it's the anti-
depressants he on. It messes with his sex drive plus it
makes it harder for him to have an orgasm. So most of the
time he needs to use his hand or mine. That bugs me too but
I keep telling myself it's not me, it's the medicine. I
sometimes feel like maybe he don't find me attractive right
now because of the pregnancy. I have a stomach now plus my
back is breaking out. It's gotten better but it still bugs
me. He tells me that he still finds me attractive but I
don't know. What if he says what I want to hear? Like last
night before we went to bed I asked him he wanted to hold
me for alittle while. He says if you want me to. You see,
that's not the answer I wanted. I wanted him to say yes I
would love to, or Of course I will. He just seems to be
going with the flow and not wanting what he said he wanted.
I don't know, maybe I worry to much. He just called me a
little bit ago and asked if I mind that he play disc golf
and go to a high school baseball game. I asked him all
kinds of question. Like with who and what time he will be
home. He says he's going with Todd and that he was going by
himself and he wanted him to go with him. I'm so paranoid.
The first thing going through my mind is what if he's lying
to me? What if he's meeting someone behind my back? And if
not why would two grown men who have been out of high
school for years want to go to a baseball game? Is it
because they want to look at girls? You see how paranoid I
am? I know I can't keep doing this to myself but I'm so
scared that my husband is going to change his mind and do
this again except it will be worse. Like he will just up
and leave, no explaining, just gone. He'll meet someone
else and just up and forget me. I mean really who would
want me. I have small boobs, big butt and thighs, no goals
in life and I'm paranoid of anything going wrong. I feel
like no one would want me after they get to know me. I'm
tired of feeling this way. I don't want to be alone but I
feel like I will be. Everyone eventually leaves me, why not
him. Ok, enough self pity for one day. Hopefully I'll have
a better outlook on life tomorrow.


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