Unseen Scars..
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2005-04-23 21:28:36 (UTC)

Fuck fuck fuckety fuck!!! argh!

I haven't felt the urge to do it in ages.. i thought i was
past all that but things were gettin messy and i couldn't
cope.. no-one was around.. no-one seemed to care.. my wrist
went numb and it didn't hurt anymore.. it sure bled
though.. even dripped on my duvet.. now i only have to move
my fingers slighly and it sends sensations all down my
arm.. it reminds me what i am.. a coward, a pathetic coward
that always takes the easy way out.. it hurts.. i'm glad it
does.. i deserve it to.. call me crazy but it helps.. its
like it runs all the emotions outta me.. makes me feel
numb, and not care.. i need to be numb..

*~~Ella's song~~* (predictable)

Something isn't right,
I can feel it again, feel it again.
This isn't the first time,
That you left me waiting.
Sad excuses and false hopes high,
I saw this coming, still I don't know why,
I let you in.

I knew it all along,
You're so predictable.
I knew something would go wrong... (Something's always
So you don't have to call,
Or say anything at all.
You're so predictable... (So predictable...)

So take your empty words,
Your broken promises.
And all the time you stole,
Cause I am done with this.

I could give it away, give it away,
I'm doing everything I should've.
And now I'm making a change,
I'm living today.
I'm giving back what you gave me,
I don't need anything.

I knew it all along,
You're so predictable.

Why does she do it to me? I'm crazy about her! it hurts so
much.. i know she has a girlfriend so why does she lead me
on.. give me false hopes.. make me think that i might have
a chance.. i DON'T have a chance.. she told me she felt the
same way.. but that was a while back, before the gf.. now i
just feel like a pathetic puppy dog.. chasing her around,
hoping to get a chance to speak to her.. to make me feel
good again.. but she doesn't care.. that much is obvious, i
havn't spoke to her for nearlly a week, she ignored my
message, i HAVE to back off.. but i can't stop thinking
about her.. everything reminds me of her.. if something
funny or exciting happens i wanna tell her but i can't.. i
shouldn't.. I get so excited if she txts or signs on the
net.. but to her i'm just a pain.. i swear i am.. she
controls me and i hate it.. she messses me around.. i never
know whats going on.. she's the one that messes up! NOT ME!
yet i apologise.. i'm so pathetic.. like IF we talk anytime
soon she'll say "WHY havn't YOU been talking to me? if you
don't wanna know just say" of course i wanna fuckin know!
but how is it me thats been ignoring her?! have i just
missed her phone calls.. txts.. messages?! NO! she hasn't
contacted me either! it works both ways! its NOT just my
fault! I really hate how she makes me feel!! but do i say
this to her? no.. thats why i'm so pathetic.. i apologise
and try and make her talk to me.. i dunno what i'd do if
she didn't ever speak to me again.. i can't tell her all
these things and risk losing her.. thats whats crap..
without her i'd be a mess and with her isn't much better
And Amber! ahhh the lovely Amber! she's great..
awesome, gorgeous! lovely, fun, we get on great and she's
the best thing to happen to me in a long time.. and Ella's
gonna fucking ruin that! not intentionally but if i'm
feeling all this shit for her then getting with Amber would
be UBERLY stupid, I don't wanna feel like this! i want my
feelings for Ella to go away so i can decide what my
feelings for Amber are.. she's never treat me like Ella
does.. You know what Ella! Fuck you! and your mind fucks!
i've had enough! I don't care anymore.. If not talking to
you ever again is what it takes to stop me feeling like
this then i will!