Ashley

Deception
2005-04-23 19:50:53 (UTC)

Shame on me for ever trusting a word he said....

Alright, so a few weeks ago I jokingly asked Andy to come
up here and visit me for my birthday -- and to my shock he
actually agreed. So we talked about it and decided that
he would come up this weekend. When I went home last
weekend and saw him, I asked him if he was still coming
and he assured me that he was. Then Shady-A emerged.

On Tuesday of this week he suddenly told me about this 10
page paper that he has due for Monday -- so right there I
knew he was gonna try to weasel his way out of coming.
Then we talked on Thursday, and he still said he was
planning on coming up here, but it might only be on
Saturday, since he was going to try to get his paper
finished on Friday night.

So now it's 2:30 on Saturday, and he just called me to
tell me that he's not coming. It's not because he isn't
done with his paper -- oh no, it's definitely not that.
When I asked him what was going on, he simply answered "I
can't do it. I can't do it to you, I can't do it to
Hollie, I can't do it to myself. You don't know how much
I want to be there with you, but I just can't do it. I
packed my bags this morning, got into my car, and just sat
there thinking about what I was about to do. I'm sorry, I
just can't do it."

I knew deep down in my heart that he wasn't going to come,
but I didn't think it was going to be because of how it
would effect Hollie. Sorry, Hollie is the girl that he
left me for, for everyone who does not know the story. So
I have come to the realization, after some wonderful
advice from Alex (I love you, Tongue) that he just does
not want me -- despite everything he says to me. He
obviously has deeper feelings for this girl at school than
he ever had for me. If he truly wanted to be here with
me, he would be.

So, shame on me for ever trusting a word he said. This
just reaffirms the fact that he should not be in my life,
in any way, shape, or form.

The fact that we are going to be working together this
summer makes me a little uncomfortable -- at this point I
do not want to speak to him or see him and the thought of
spending every day for an entire summer with him just
makes me nauseous. But deep down it excites me -- it is
an opportunity to try to make him come back to me and see
all the things that he's missing by being with Hollie. I
know, I'm pathetic for still wanting to be with him. But
dammit, this man was the love of my life for 7 years and I
just can't make myself walk away from him.

This whole ordeal brings me back to a place that I don't
want to be. Questioning myself and feeding into my
insecurities. Am I too fat? Am I too ugly? Am I not
sexy? Why am I so undesirable? What is it about me that
makes him (and every other guy I've encountered) not want
to be with me?

I cry to my friends, asking them these questions, trying
to make sense out of why he doesn't want me, and the only
answer they have for me is that he just doesn't feel for
me the way he feels for someone else -- and that's what
hurts the most.

I know I need to just walk away, and I know in my last
entry I said that I had, but I just want so much to be
loved by another person. I want to be loved like on tv.
I want to be loved like in books. I am tired of crying
myself to sleep over him. I am tired of being so
depressed that I can't get up in the morning, and that I
lay on the futon all day.

I hate that this on-line diary has turned into a
depressing diatribe about my relationship with Andy, but I
just need to vent and no one else wants to listen.

And with that, I return to my place on the futon, to curl
up and watch sappy love movies all day until I fall asleep.

~Ashley




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