Magnolia Jones

My Truth
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2005-04-22 17:59:02 (UTC)

The Day I Could've Died...04/20/05

Tears in my eyes. Blade in my hand. Only God can judge me.
Only God. But I'm thinking in my mind that day may come
soon. Going crazy in my head like I'm trippin on 'shrooms.
I'm surrounded by the darkest night. There is no light
shining through. No moon. No stars to guide my heart. But
still I stand thankful. I'm so grateful that I have a
second chance. One last chance to make it all end. So I do.
I make my attempt. I empty all thoughts of you from my
head. I don’t want to think of how you'll feel after I'm
dead. So I think nothing as I hold the razor in my hand
pressed hard against my skin. And then swiftly I slice. I
don’t even care if this is wrong or right. All I want is to
take my life. And end it. I so sick and tired of living. If
crying and hiding from the world. I'm sick of working to be
some beastly little girl. Chugging down drink after drink
cuz I'm hard. That is until I hurl into my pillow at night
and I'm thinking in my head "this shit can’t be right."
None of it. Not any of it. But there I was less than a week
later, blade in tow, thinking of how much I hate her. My
mom, that fuckin hoe. I've hated her my whole life. But I'm
cool with that. I'm so used to that its unbelievable. I
don’t care no more. But as I sit there I couldn’t stop
thinking about that whore. And meeting the Lord was the
last thing on my mind. But I dint care at the time. Until I
started bleeding. Blood so red slither out and fall
silently to the floor. Oh how I used to adore that feeling.
But now I fear it. I tear up at the thought of dying and
such. And they say "No greater love hath an man than he who
lay down his life for a friend." But I was thinking in my
head I'd lay down my life for Sara from beginning to end.
Without hesitation all fear aside. I wouldn’t care if I
lived or died. if that meant that my kid sister would be
okay form this day forth. Each day I pray to the Lord for
that. But I don’t always get what I ask for. I sit back
angry like a masked whore. Covered up so no one knows it
but deep inside I'm frozen. And broken up from the sex I
don’t get prayed for. I should. And I would if I had half
the smarts. Wish I could grasp life from the start. The
beginning to end. You only choose once in life and its up
to you to lose or win. And I’d lose it all if that meant
that Sarah would never fall. But I don’t think she would. I
don’t think she could even if she wanted to. Too bad I'm
not the one she runs to when shit hits the fan. Cuz uma
tell you right now I ran. I ran down the stairs and let her
know. "I'm sorry. I never meant to make myself go. It was
never my intention to end it." It still aint. And I still
hate like its something that gives me life. But in reality
my hate only feeds me strife. It spoons it to me like I'm
its baby. And just maybe I am. I don’t giva fuck two shits
or a damn! So slam bam thank you ma'ma. I'll fuck with your
head later then. I'll climb in your head like you climbed
in mine. I'm gonna let you discover all the shit that I
hide. The pain and weakness that brings me to my knees.
Like I am now, I"m gonna have you begging me "Please Anita
don't do this to me" But I will. You made me want to kill.
But I targeted the wrong person. I targeted me. But that
aint how is should be. It's you who should die. Its you who
stole my life. But I'm over that now. And in a little while
I'm gonna be all healed up. I'm gonna forget all about that
suicidal cut. And I'm guessing your that foolish bitch who
mistook me for a pussy when you saw me crying. But I'd
rather die before I st you free after what you did to me.
You might as well have been the hand on the razor to my
skin. It was you in my head that made me wish that I were
dead. But you’re out of my head now. Fuck you mom.
- Anita Parmer
aka Magnolia Jones


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