Elizabeth

Elizabeth M.
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2005-04-22 04:40:03 (UTC)

In my Mind


What ever happened to care free days? Days were you didn't
have to worry about anything or anyone. I miss thoughs
days, it would have to be when I was a child, all I cared
about was playing outside in the snow/hot summers and
picking wild flowers on the lawn. The only thing I had to
worry about was my chores that were given to me on Sundays.
I miss being a child and not have to worry about anything.
I really never had a real child hood. I was always the
mature one even at the age of 8yr. My parents always told
me not to try to grow up to fast but likle I am ,.. I never
listened.
There are a lot of things that I never did when I was a
child/teenager. I just wanted to be a grown-up. I figured
that since I reverse everything that maybe I can be a child
now/ i mean play around, act goofy and not be mature. I
know that I am mature and all, and responsable, but I want
play time too. Does that make any sence? Sometimes I wish
that I could go back in time and change certain things.
I wanted everything perfect in my life, because that is who
I am, I know that nobody is perfect and all but I
guess...... that maybe I try too hard, that maybe that Iam
afraid of loosing. I have always been a fighter for
anything and everything. as a child I played sports and my
team always won first place every year. I am not acustome
to losing and when I do lose it's a huge blow to me. I feel
like a failure.
Relationships is not my strong point. I have issues with
them. I have tried several times to change in every
relationship that I have been in. first one I was myself,
loving, laughing, and being there when I am needed,saying
what was on my mind at all times,having sex 3 times a day,
but that turn out all wrong, I became bitter, he was and
wasnt there for me, he used drugs all of the time and I
never knew until the end. we almost had a child together
and I got rid of our son, I was all alone for that, he
wasn't there for that, but my mom was. The second time
around I figured that I would lay low and not say what was
on my mind,hide my past, I would do what he wanted to do.
He became very controling in the relationship to the point
that I was not allowed outside,he became crazy,our sex life
went down hill,he was very ruff, he started to see someone
else behind my back, I took alot of hitting and name
calling in that relationship, I look back now and cant
believed that I stayed w/him after he hit me over and over
again, going to work w/a black eye and a bruise on my
cheek. Talk about stupid. Now it was #3,I thought that
maybe the combo between the first two might work. So I was
very open about my past,was loving and caring, just like
the first one, I figured that if I tried to please this one
that he might stay w/me. But like when I get excited I go
over board and I think that I smoother him w/too much. I
didn't mean too, I was just so happy to be in love again
and to find someone who really care for me. But I found out
that I was just his play toy, he was waiting for his love
to come back to him. ThenI became preg. for 1 month and the
week my dad died I lost the baby.So between the stress from
Mark and the relationship,trying not to get upset, trying
to work and my dad being sick was too much for my system.
He should know how I feel because it happened to him as
well, he waited around for her and yes she finally came
back but not for too long.
I am tired of wasting time on people who don't come through
for me. What will become of me? Why can't I get it right?
Why do I torment myself thinking that one day he will come
back to me? He has so much hate for me and I don't
understand why? Tell me what I did wrong?


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