Kalamity K

The Daily Chaos of Kalamity K
2005-04-20 13:50:52 (UTC)

REALLY FUCKING DISTURBED

I don't read other diaries on here in principle for a
reason. I come across too much disturbing stuff. I'm not
an entirely square, conservative person (hah!) ... but I
come across too many sex stories that really upset me.

That make me question myself - am I so stupid that I can't
see the need to be practically tortured by some guy?

That make me hate the existence of human kind.

That make me suddenly want to decide that women are stupid
and that all of this equality stuff is bullshit and that
yes, you should strap us to the fucking bed and use us as
you want.

That make me violently hate men - every single one of
them -

for being predisposed to do this sort of stuff and for
doing it when common sense should dictate otherwise. For
having no qualms about using a woman and hurting her
because it brings him pleasure.

It doesn't help that yesterday I heard two women (I can't
say I respect either very much or think either are very
intelligent but still, they work here - Wheezie and TLS)
complaining that women want in to everywhere and even into
the Catholic Church. It about blew my top. Wheezie
says, "I hate to say it, but once women get in there..."
and TLS says, "I know, in my culture women aren't priests
either..." (That comment was less egregious, granted, but
she was going along with the other bitch far too
handily...
that's the kind of the thing I can't laugh off, even if I
want the other person to shut up...I just won't answer or
I'll say "whatever, fine"...)

I hate it. I HATE THIS. I hate that something stupid
like
a fucked up woman and her fucked up sex stories with her
fucked up partner can do this to me. [-screams-] I HATE
IT. I hate that someone reading my words could think they
are the product of a hysterical, hormone driven woman. I
hate that I fight - and goddamn it, I fight every fucking
day - to keep my head on straight, to see the positives
and
joy of being a woman, to laugh off idiot men (and women)
who say stupid, disturbing things and say everything about
women is run by hormones, that every 28 days they'd nuke
the world if they were president/prime minister, etc., to
love my life as it is (and I love being a woman, I
wouldn't
want to be a man), but I have to fight it EVERY FUCKING
DAY...

And any gains I make over weeks, months, even years, can
be
temporarily completely wiped out by this stupid bullshit.
Sometimes permanently harmed, permanently set back so I
have to start to rebuild again. I hate it. I FUCKING
HATE
IT.

I really do. Ask anyone who knows me intimately (I don't
mean sex intimately, I mean emotionally intimately) and
they (maybe 2 or 3 people) will tell you the same - it
does
this to me every time. EVERY FUCKING TIME. I just
can't... I just can't seem to shake it. And I hate it.
And I hate thinking I'm weak b/c it makes me want to weep
in sorrow and scream in rage. It makes me out of control
crazy - which makes my fucked up mind think that possibly
they are all right, I am just an emotional, hormone-
driven,
unstable slut.

God that hurt.

I understand adult relationship are different than
familial
ones. But the world could handle a whole lot more of
people considering if they would want their sisters or
daughters or mothers to be treated they way they are
treating their love interest. I don't know.

I know there are some people who just go in for things on
the fringes and farther past and I can accept that - but I
have to cut myself off from even the knowledge of it
because it hurts me so much. And I hate that. I hate
that
I'm a big enough/good enough/mature enough person to
handle
it. I hate that I'm a sooky little girl who lets
stupidity
bother her, who doesn't have the mentality capacity to
hold
two opposing ideas in her head without going crazy, who
can't just read something, say fucking whatever, and move
on. I hate that my actions prove the bullshit artists
right.

And above everything else - in a string of days that I was
feeling good about myself, good and smart and intelligent
and witty and sexy and pretty and sensual and gifted and
talented and worth it - through a few days and experiences
that I reconciled, accepted, liked, loved, understood for
what they were and nothing more sinister than that - I
HATE
THAT THIS IS HAPPENING IN MY HEAD NOW BECAUSE NOW IS THE
TIME WHEN IT DOES THE MOST FUCKING DAMAGE AND DRAGS ME
RIGHT THE FUCK BACK DOWN TO ZERO.

I have to go. I can't write in here any more. My head is
going to explode and/or I'm going to lose my mind and cry.

All I have to say before I go is one last thing:

FUCK YOU to these feelings and to the people who
(inadvertently or intentially) make me or anyone else,
male
or female, feel like this. FUCK YOU, YOU SICK FUCKING
BASTARDS FOR ENJOYING HURTING PEOPLE, PHYSICALLY OR
MENTALLY OR EMOTIONALLY, BECAUSE YOU AND YOUR LITTLE
SCREWED UP PERVERTED CRONIES (men and women) GET OFF ON
IT.
FUCK YOU AND FUCK YOU AND FUCK YOU. GET THE FUCK OUT OF
MY
LIFE. GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HEAD.

[-SCREAMS-] JUST GET THE GODDAMN FUCK OUT OF MY FUCKING
HEAD.

K2




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