Arienette

We are nowhere and it is now.
2005-04-19 03:30:41 (UTC)

This ghost of you.

Melbourne was okay.
..I lie. It was better than okay, it was great. I just
can't think about it too much right now. It's so hard to
talk trivial sometimes.

I don't know how to start this paragraph. Words have
deserted me since that phonecall, and all I can thank
anyone for is that he isn't dead. Thankyouthankyouthankyou.

I blame myself. Had I been here I could have stopped him,
I could have.. done.. anything. It doesn't even matter.
Sometimes it's a few simple words that can make all the
difference in your mind. That tiny barrier between life
and death for once held true, and I'm so happy that it
did, because it's bad enough like this. GAH.

I went there this morning but he couldn't talk to me and I
couldn't bare to see him like this. Weak and dependant,
just like me.

I don't understand. He always seemed so happy and
carefree. His memories of suicide always came across as
distant, as if he wanted to forget those silly mistakes.
Seems I misunderstood, because he's not only neglected to
learn from them, but he has repeated them. It is
depressing to think that all these happy people that you
see on the streets may be contemplating shadow, and if
that is fake, what isn't? Mankind is doomed.

It's probably my fault. Not just for not being there, but
maybe for entering his life in the first place. Why do I
do this to the people I love? I should have told him I
loved him every day, every second. I hope David is okay. I
wish I knew him better so I could call him and see how he
is.

I need someone to talk to but I refuse to call. Anxiety
building up in my stomach and I can't confront anyone, I'm
breathing faster and my nails are sharper than I thought,
and it hurts, but that's okay. I wish I could do
something, anything. Why won't he say something so that I
can forfill it in every way possible?




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