If Only....
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2005-04-15 12:51:29 (UTC)

I ran my mouth off a bit too much...Oh, what did I say?


I have been up since 7. I had crawled out of bed with an
intention of taking my butt back to the fitness center and
exercise, even though I ran last night- I felt like it
would be an appropriate way to begin my day. So- I did.
And now, I feel pretty great.
I don't know if I have to work today or not, but I am
waiting for Brenda to show up to let me know what is going
on...and if so, it sucks that I don't have a radio to
listen to- nor money to purchase one at this time.
Anyways, I have been forming a more personal relationship
with this guy Mark I have met on this site and it feels
nice to communicate so openly with a complete stranger. A
say stranger as though we know nothing about one another-
but that is not the case, for we all share a common
characteristic with each human being and each living thing.
Don't read too much into this dialouge with another male-
for I am not swaying my love for my fiance, nor is Tyler
being challenged or threatened in any way. Just want to
clarify that which may be confusing.
So- I am here waiting for something to penetrate me,
permeate me, get inside of me....I feel I am lacking
something. And the first thing that my "simplistic
insecure" mind finds it that my confidence is lacking. I
am hard on myself. A lot harder than I should be. To the
point where being hit on at the grocery store by a manager
down right surprised me yesterday. I was speechless,
flattered- but empty of words. AND yes, I am getting
married. Men, they are so full of themselves sometimes. I
can't say any different for women either so don't
misconstrue that as a sexist statement. Anyways, I am
losing things to say- maybe because I am avoiding the
obvious....I need to feel better about myself. I feel like
all I am doing lately is TRYING. Effort this and effort
that....I am making too much effort to not be getting
anywhere. And so with this realization, I am going to
split- get dressed, and probably light me up a cigarette,
pretend it is a joint and pray to GOD it gets me HIGH :)

Well, you just laughed it off, it was all okay....

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