muse

void deck
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2005-04-15 05:25:48 (UTC)

charging into the brave new world

since i get into NUS, i have been spending so much time in
the room with my laptop, not my roomate. laptop seems to
be able to satisfy all my needs. i don't talk much to my
roomate, probably because i couldn't stand her choleric
personality at times. maybe we are just not at the same
frequencies most of the time. i hardly know anyone in this
hall, let alone visiting their rooms and talking to them.
i talk much lesser nowadays, as compared to my presby or
dunman days. i am a declared hermit.

each time i stepped into this little space i shared with
her, the first thought that comes to my mind is to switch
on the computer. not greeting her. not telling her what
happened today in school. not asking her how she is.

i go online on my msn. checking if certain friends are
online. even if they are, there is no promise that i will
start chatting to them. it's just the illusion that they
are there. that i am not alone.

when truly, i am alone.

i feel sick of the triviality here. the trivialiy of
acquaintances. the mere 'hi' and 'bye'. the HUGE effort we
put in to start a conversation. the boredom. the
impatience. the constant reminder that 'i'm busy. time is
money.'

i feel sick of meeting insincere people who just draw
close to you because they had their personal agenda. and
mostly i feel sick of being have to be rude to them, just
to shoo them away.

i don't know how long can i can take this. it's sick. it
sucks not having friends to talk to when you need a good
talk or a shoulder to cry on. i hate insensitive people
who
crack jokes without thinking about time and place. i hate
people who make use of others without thinking about their
feelings.

the world is sick and i am not discounting myself of it. i
am sick. i am egoistic. and i really hate this. i hate
looking at myself now. i hate not being able to exercise
live human interaction most of the time during the day. i
miss those laughters, not the 'hahaha' i read or typed on
the screen.

how am i going to survive this new world i am living in.

help.


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