nin137

Mean Jean Eatin' Machine

we have this lady who works part time at our firm who
handles all of the accounting work. she's a surly woman who
clocks in at 300 lbs. instead of doing any accounting work
she crushes about 18 diet cokes a day, while yelling at her
(apparently un-employed) husband to do menial chores at
home. you can always tell when Jean is coming up the
stairs, mainly because she must be the only human being who
takes 18 steps in about 2 hrs and 45 mins. the problem is,
the stairs are only big enough for one Jean and noone else.
so you better plan on staying where you are for a while.
usually you can hear her stomping from below and the sound
of what seems like a jet intake as she hits the first step.
if you book it down the stairs at that time you should be
good.
we call her Mean Jean Eatin' Machine. mainly because she's
always eating. usually she's eating either popcorn or
snickers. anyhow, when mean jean is in the office she
usually laboriously stomps to the printer in the hallway
from her desk. on her way she makes damn sure to be as nosy
as possible. she will lean around corners and try to
surreptitiously see what's on your computer screen, and/or
what you are working on. she couldn't sneak up on a deaf
man (i should know i'm half deaf), cos she sounds like a
freight train running with twenty pregnant cows under its
wheels when she moves. the mixture of grunting and groaning
is absoluetly insane (think fatty mcgee from adam sandler).
anyhow, today my co-worker was eating popcorn and randomly
popping in on me. so i say,
"hey Jean." and was about to say "hey jean you fat fucking
trolley of a bitch why don't you go saddle up your fat and
float your ass to africa and offer yourself as a year-long
sustenance program to some starving ethiopians." when i hear,
"yeeeeeeeees?"
i blanked out. i was beet red as she turned the corner with
a surly look on her face. oh shit! i didn't know she was
here on thursday??!! there were only two times you called on
jean. one was when you had beef with your paycheck, or two
was when you needed a check for a client.
"ummmmm, i might need a check for a community later
on....anddddddd, um, i was just wondering how late you'd be
staying."
yes! awesome save nick! by now my coworker had choked to
death on his food, trying not to laugh.
she stared at me like i was a fucking twinkie that was just
out of her reach.
"i might be."
phew.
"ok, thanks."