dramaqn

Where is the Love?
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2005-04-13 20:27:57 (UTC)

Wednesday, April 13, 2005----Queen of Rejection

I just don't get it. How can 1 person be soooo rejected by
so many? I must be some kind of loser, because I thought I
was the cream of the crop. Not to sound conceited, but I
am. I am hot, really, smart, have a great job for 8 years,
financially support myself, and also honest, loyal, and
very very loving. Unfortunately, noone is looking for those
qualities. At least noone I want.

I just confessed my real feelings to the guy I have
been "in love" with for seven months. He didn't have a
clue. He just thought I was flirting with him, he said. I
tried to give subtle hints, but he didn't take any to
heart. Obviously, he was not attracted to me as I am to
him.

It was Sunday, and he came over. We began a sexually themed
flirtatious conversation over my new vertical hood
piercing. He said he knew I got it so he would look at it.
How cocky is that!! No pun intended. Anyways, we were
talking and he was telling me how he didn't know where he'd
be in a year and how he only sees his girlfriend like 3-4
times a month, and you know, that kind of stuff. I told him
that I tend to get emotionally attached, and I eventually
spilled my guts about how I feel. I told him I felt an
attraction to him from the first time I met him about 2
years ago. And that I had been liking him for 7 months.

Incidentally, we had sex. It was incredible, at least to
me. He thought so too, I could tell. But, things were of
course different after. I haven't seen him since then. I am
sure he doesn't want me to get the impression that he would
want a relationship with me or anything. I know the tactic.
The truth is he is just not that into me. In other words,
his attraction is not like mine toward him. Mine is so
strong, like soul mate material. He doesn't like me like
that. It is so sad for me to face. I don't fit into his
lifestyle--wait that is just an excuse....FACE THE
TRUTH....he does not like you like that. :(

He has such a great opportunity with me. I would love him
forever and take care of him all the time in every way
possible. I really care. But, he does not want me. Oh how
hard this is to face. It is so depressing. I want to cry,
but I don't want to. I feel it inside. It is a devastating
feeling. Such a letdown. Rejection is the story of my life.
I already know noone will love me like I love them. I
already know that I am destined to be sad my entire life
and unfulfilled emotionally. I really feel the only way out
of it is death. Just let me go. I am really at the end of
my rope. One rejection after another. No relationships. I
need love and companionship. I really do. I am very lonely
and sad. I think about how it would be best if I could just
die. I want to be at peace where I won't ever have to deal
with this emptiness again. My soul is in dire pain and
bleeding. I can't take it anymore. I am ready God, please
come and get me. I beg my dead mother to come and get me
all the time. I beg my dead Aunt Mickey to come see me and
help me. Noone comes. Where are they? I am so alone.

I am not calling him. I won't chase after a man who has
clearly shown he is not interested. I have a little bit of
self-respect and pride. He is supposed to buy something for
me that I gave him money for and bring it here. I know he
will feel very awkward. I don't. I love him anyways. I hope
he knows he doesn't have to be afraid to be around me.
Afraid meaning thinking I am trying to get with him and
stuff. I wouldn't do that. I am much too mature. Sure, I am
sad and feel rejected, but I have learned not to chase a
man who does not want me. It only causes severe pain and
torture. I still feel severe pain and torture, but noone
has to know that. I can keep it all to myself.

I have to go back to the psychiatrist next week and reup my
Xanax. I had major anxiety yesterday and someone at work
gave me one. It made me feel so much better. My life is
really fucked up. I wish one day it will get better.


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