I WASN'T MEANT TO FEEL THIS WAY!
"Dere's nobody I can rerate to. Feel like a bird in a cgae.
It'skinda sirry... but not rearry... because it's feeling my
body with rage! I'm the smartest, most clever, most
phsyically fit but nobody seems to reariza it.When I change
the world maybe they'll notice me!" -"I'm So Rownry,"
TEAM AMERICA, WORLD POLICE
"Sometimes I get so wierd, I even freak myself out. I laugh
myself to sleep, it's my lullaby. Sometimes I drive so fast
just to feel the dnager. I wanna scream, it makes me feel
- Avril Lavigne, song "Anything But Ordinary" from the LET
That's what I feel like SCREAMING out at the top of my
lungs on days like this. I had a fight with my dad today,
God I hate that fucking cunt. I'm not a bad person, I'm
really not, but people get under my skin, and when they push
me the right way, they're gonna see that side of me I don't
like to talk about. The worst thing about this is I'm alone.
I don't have anybody who I can go to and just forget all
about days like this with because Ozzy's in Utah. It's just
me, man, me and myself. Well, I'm not completely alone, I
have my bird Mocha (who immediantly wanted to be taken out
of her cage and press close to my neck when my dad went all
psycho on me- and do you want to know what the fight was
about????? It's so stupid- he got all pissed off at me
because I put up a few posters in what's supposed to be my
room anyway for the next month). He seriously acts like
somebody is going to see a couple of poster in my room and
say "to hell with this place because Offspring and Tru
Calling and Freddy and Mr. Blonde suck." (AND FOR ALL YOU
SMART-ASSED ASSHOLES OUT THERE WHO THINK THAT'S GAY, THAN TO
HELL WITH ALL OF YOU BASTARDS, BECAUSE I LIKE WHAT I WANT TO
LIKE AND I'M SURE THAT WHATEVER YOU LIKE IS GAY TO ME, TOO,
SO FUCK ALL YOU BASTARDS TO HELL). Fuck him. I staright out
told him that, to, when he told me to take down all the
posters, I said FUCK YOU because they're comfprting to me.
They're all I have right now to remind me of better things
in the world- them AND my Eliza Dushku/Avril Lavigne
8x10's..... and again, FUCK ALL YOU SMART -ASSED ASSHOLES.
God, when will this feeling just end already? When are
things going to stopped being so fucked up and just BE so I
don't have to sound like a fucking psychopath. Fuck.........
Is there any meaning behind being born who I am, into the
famly that I was? I don'task for much in my world,just fort
eh right to be me and to be happy doing what I do, butI look
at peoplelike my dad(who I think, seriously, can't survive a
day without yelling) and my sister(who, SERIOUSLY, planted
weed on me to get me thrown out of my parents house so she
could have her recording studio, I'm not even fucking around
when I say that, she seriously put in in my clothes and then
showed it to my dad and said she found it on me) and
it'slike, man, what did I do, what sin did I commit, what am
I being punished for, to be born into this family when all I
want to do is be an actor and a writer and just be me in my
world and happy. Is that too much to ask? Seriously.
I hate that there isn'tany person I can talkto within a
reasonable distance about this,somebody to share some of my
pain with, somebody to make things feel better, even for a
day. JUst... anybody... to listen to me and understnad me.
Guess maybe the answer I'm looking for, and the person who
can understand me, isn't here anymore, but in Vegas (or
Utah???). I guessit'sup to me to push through this
bullshit,have to be strong.I'veworked too long and too hard
to be an actor to let my chance at getting noticed be blown
overthis bullshit now.