K Tru

Judge Tenderly of Me
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2005-04-12 07:03:42 (UTC)

I DoN'T cArE abOuT AnYthInG aNYMorE

I've lost more in the past two years than I ever imagined
losing in my life. Jobs, love of my short, young life, my
pitbull doggies (3 of em, who the fuck said that 3 was a
charm?), my car, an apartment, most of the CD's that I
aquired throughout my high school years, my most treasured
red book, among countless prized possesions. Perhaps in a
way, all of my misfortune has taught me the most valuable
lesson: not to covet shit. Because ye shall surely part
with it one way or another. It's reached the point where I
don't care, I don't even get upset anymore, when something
I care about is ripped from me. Crying has never bought it
back nor has lamenting over it. Nothing matters to me,
what little pleasure I experience is really only a brief
distraction between getting off work and returning there
the next day.
Days don't matter, they all seem the same anyway, blending
into one ever passing moment, whose only commercial is
when I am asleep. when you think about it time, days,
weeks,years, are all man made.
I don't know when I started feeling this way. BUt lately
it's a feeling or mood, I'm not sure which, that has taken
over my spirit. It saddens me to think that I am evolving
into just another jaded adult. I wonder sometimes if this
is what the early stages of depression look like, eating
away at the corners of my still youthful existence.
The only good that has come of my new demeanor is my fear
of being trapped here. The urge to break free of monotony,
and soar above my bland, lonely life. I'm closer now than
I ever have been to at least takin the first few steps
toward what i belive to be my destiny. As a matter of
facat I have an appointment tomorrow at 2:15pm, and we'll
see I suppose. I'm too sick of doing what I do for a
living to be nervous, I'm actually anxious to get it out
of the way so that I can calculate my next move. I don't
really know what I'm expecting, I'm half expecting to be
rejected simply cuz that's the way things work for me. But
I have a "mustard seed", as a close friend of mine would
say, of hope that something positive will come of
tomorrow. I've got so many signs coming toward me, that
perhaps this is the one thing I should go after, if I
never go for anything else again. the only thing that
keeps surfacing in my mind is,