My usually fucked up life...
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2005-04-12 06:45:59 (UTC)

Just more rambling....

April 12, 2005

Hello diary,

I know I have neglected this immensely lately but I figured
it was about time to get more shit off My chest...I don't
even know where to begin...this last several months have
just severely sucked. It started in February I guess. I was
hospitalized for almost 3 weeks and from what I was told
nearly died of blood poisoning called sepsis. I know that
most will probably think I'm stupid for thinking I remember
near death experiences but I can almost swear that it was My
late grandmother telling Me to go back and that it wasn't My
time. I don't know how that can be though. I know she went
somewhere good because she was a good woman and obviously as
I'm sure I've said before, I'm an asshole. I must be. That
leads into the rest of My life lately. I had to have a small
surgery for a kidney blockage and they said almost lost the
kidney during the sepsis fight in the first place. I am so
fucking tired of being in this damn state of physical being
and going into the damn hospital so much lately or rather in
general. And My parents have done nothing lately except rag
on Me to get a living will done but I can't bring Myself to
actually do it. That is just too close to death for Me to
still be able to handle I guess...even though lately I start
to wonder.

And I am again completely single r/t. The one I was talking
to and supposed to be with and I managed to get into a
situation recently and before I knew what was going on, she
"needs time alone to be able to love myself before I can let
anyone love me and don't want to be in a one on one
relationship" and things were over. Then today I was out and
she said she called several times but I only got 2 of her while I was out eating and didn't even hear My
phone and the other while I was showing Tanya out of the
house and going to take a damn leak. And she got pissed off
because she felt I was ignoring her and that "if you (I)
don't want to talk, just say so and I (Amber) won't bother
you again". I don't know what to say or think or do anymore.
I am just giving up on relationships for now I guess and I
have even declared I'm taking a few days away from r/t
people just to get shit in My mind and emotional state of
being figured out.

Okay, I guess I've rambled enough. I'll shut up now.