Breoko

I Don't Know
Ad 0:
2005-04-12 02:50:19 (UTC)

Ow, stupid camera flash...

Yeah, wait a second, ok? Some chick just walked into the
computer lab, shoved a camera into my face, and flashed
the shit outta my eyes... I would have been pissed,
but thankfully she showed no film in the camera, so I'm
only irritated. I hate cameras. I hate pictures. And I
mostly hate haveing my picture taken. I do not look good
in pictures. Ever.

Well then, lets see. Where to begin? Yeah, haven't been
updating this much, but I've been busy. Actually, busy
doing nothing, but busy none the less. I've got all kinds
of school crap to do, but I don't wanna talk about it.
Still having Heather problems, but I locked her out of my
room last night. That was pretty funny. But crap, I'm
really sick of her. She better not even step in my floor,
or wing section. Grrr...

Hm, oh yeah, my weekend. It wasn't to bad. Went to the
wedding shower, and it went by fast. Mainly cause I had to
entertain myself. It was one of those stupid girly showers
with health foods, punch, and cake, and stupid games.
Because guessing couples' names, guessing the number of
flowers in a short story, and making toilet paper dresses
is sooooo much fun... The last game we had to draw
pictures of Kim's, the future bride to be, dream home. I
scribbled mine on my head and labled it "poop." After
that, I got into a crayon battle with Chelsea. That was
pretty fun. ^^ I didn't care if all the "normal" girls
were staring. One thing I decided though, if I ever am
crazy enough to get married, ha!, my shower will have
chips, dip, pizza, music, booze, and actually "fun" games!
But then, I don't think I'll ever be getting married. You
kinda need a significant other for that I think. Hell,
I've never even had a date, or boyfriend, or been kissed,
and yeah, you guessed it, I'm a virgin. Now here is the
really sad part: I'm 19... Yeah, feaking 19 years old,
will be 20 in a little over a month. *sigh* Yeah, go me...
But then, I'm kinda glad I'm not knocked up like the
majority of my graduating highschool class back at home.
*shudders* Ugh, kids scare me, and I don't like them to
much either. But still, I guess I do have to admit, I'm
lonely, sometimes...

Though, a lot of that time spent being lonely is going
into talking to this guy I met at Gaia. Since I'm stuck at
school, we can only talk through e-mail, but it has been
interesting. We sure do have our ups and downs though.
Heh. I'd met him a long time ago, and then he lost his
computer rights, and then I was stuck here at school, so
we didn't speak for a long time. Plus, before that, we had
kind of gotten into some trouble over stuff, so I thought
I'd really never get to talk to him again. Thankfully, I
guess it has been cleared up. We really haven't brought up
what happened. But he's been a great person just to talk
to and even bitch 'n moan to. I feel bad sometimes about
doing that, but he says he doesn't mind, which is nice. I
think he might like me, and even worse, I think I might
like him back. I promised myself I wouldn't get into an on
line relationship cause I thought it would be a waste of
time and not even "real". Well, it is, and it isn't I
suppose. Not only that, but my mom is a whore online,
always picking up scary guys. So I really don't wanna take
after her. But I don't know why I should worry like this.
I mean, there really isn't anything I can do. I can't just
deny liking someone. But, even if this turns into a nice
thing, to bad for us, cause I live way down south US, and
he lives in Canada. *sigh*

Well, anyways, one other note. I think I'm finally
beginning to gain some independence for myself. I've
gotten to the point where I like to spend weekends at
school now, and not driving back home to see my family.
Though I sort of miss them, I think I'm actually a lot
happier away and with friends. I think I'm finally
understanding college. To bad it ends for a month and I'm
not coming back. *sigh* Even worse, I'll have to go home
then, and for a long while. Ugh, I don't know what I wanna
do. I can't stay at home anymore, I wanna be free! But I
have no other place to go. I'm stuck. I just wish I had
some kind of escape. I wish I were wise enough and not
scared to live by myself. It drives me insane! I can't
stand it! I want to be able to be independent, but I just
can't! I just don't know what to do, or where to start.

Hopefully, I'll be able to go to a doctor soon, and they
can actually check me inside and out for once in my life.
I know I have some head problems, and now I'm finally
willing to face that I have them and do something about
it. Maybe when I get fixed up, everything will become
clearer to me. Maybe I can get over my fear of driving,
going to the store, being social, and even knocking on
people's doors. .; Maybe I'll finally get interested in
something, get some motivation in my life for once, find
my way. I can only hope I can. I really hope I can...


Ad:0