Nothing of Meaning to Anyone but Me
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2005-04-09 20:12:30 (UTC)


Well, Kayden spoke to me today. I asked him if eh hated me
and he said not as much, and I apologized for screaming at
him. But, I think he is trying to get with Emily so I'm
letting that one go.

Shawn got really mad at me in the morning. I asked him if
he still wanted to get back together and he said he didn't
know anymore. I got pissed and he ended up hanging up on
me, but he swears no one else in the picture, I find that
hard to believe. I think he has someone else. His friend
Josh is always tryin to hook him up with other girls, and
Josh doesn't want him with me. But, that's fine. Shawn lost
his chance. I left him a voicemail last night (he wont
answer his phone when I call) saying
something along the lines of:
I can't force you love me and I don't want to. Not
can I force you to want to be with me. All I can do is love
you and WANT you to be with you and hope you feel the same.
I know I've done some hard-to-forgive things, but you have
too, so you know how it is. I'm not going to try to
convince you to love me or want to be with me. Besdies, I
know what I say has little imapct on what you do. You're
going to do what you want no matter what I think. All I can
do is promise I will love you forever, and I will. I can
WANT you to feel the same, but I can't force you to. I have
gained so much and have so many good memories with you. A
piece of you will always live in my heart, and a piece of
me will always belong to you. But, it's like you say, if
you love something, let it go. If it comes back it was
yours, if not, it never was. Yes, I was listening. I'm not
going to continue to force you to love and want me anymore.
It's something you have to do on your own. I can live
knowing I tried and did all I could. The ball is in your
park, and the decision is yours. Make sure you do what is
right for you. Thank you for all you've given me. I love
you, and hope to hear from you. If I don't, I'll know you
were never mine, it wasn't your destiny to be with me and
it wasn't true love. But, I'd rather you be happy on your
own than force you to be happy with me. Please think about
this and choose wisely. I love you, Shawn, but beyond that
it's up to you. Running to someone else wont work either,
I've tried it. It wont change anything, and it wont make
you forget me. I hope we can be friends either way, it will
be painful for me, but i'd rather have you as a friend than
not have you at all. I love you and I'll talk to you
So, yeah. I don't think he'll call back. But, I told him
yesterday morning that I wasn't going to wait for him
either. I can't sit and know he's with other girls and wait
for him to be done. So, I'm going to Prom alone now, I was
suppose to go with him, but I doubt that'll happen. I love
him, and miss him, but if he's willing to flush 2 1/2 years
away, then I will eventually be able to as well.
In the mean time I'm going to move on and get through
this. I really don't expect to hear from him, and dont
expect him to change his mind and want to get with me.

I went and saw Phatom of the Opera with my friend Amy last
night. It was a SUPER good movie.

So, I've got a lot of things to do around the house, so
I'll update more if something else happens.

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