Helpless mosochistic love
Its night time and im out the door into the night after a
bent over the drawing table. Running across the wet grass
up at a night sky full of stars. This is one of those
nights that there
are so many stars in the sky that you feel like you can
see the whole
universe, all the way to the end, and i almost lose my
And now im weightless. breath a white puff.
This is that moment i live for.
this is that moment that is being alive.
the height of the swing, and the sick feeling in my stomach
just before gravity and chains catch me.
to stare at the stars atop a mountain as the clouds rush
30 feet overhead
at impossible speed
to jump across a gap between buildings, and look down 6
stories at the
street below as you glide over it.
the sad feeling in your heart, after a great book, or
to lay in a bed of strange plants laughing with friends at
the worst joke
youve ever heard, but you cant stop laughing.
to see an animal take its last breath.
to finish drawing a story that took you months to
to have your hands pulled into warm pockets on a cold
night, fingers entwined.
to see a paper plane you just made get caught in the wind
and fly up 200 yards
and out of sight down to the end of the street into
its like life slapping me in the face and wrapping around
flowing through every part of me and everything around me.
Tonight on the swings i climb to the top and sit on the
crossbar of the
whole set, 12 feet high.
i pull the swing up and wrap the chain around my neck,
then lower myself
hanging by my freezing hands.
Im getting scared and the metal is so cold i start
this is stupid. i dont want this..
i dont want to die yet.. there was something i needed to
i needed to say something to someone. one word
not yet. and im scraping at the chain at my neck with one
the other numb hand is slowly sliding free from the
crossbar. dont die yet.
suddenly im in a dark room, and i can hear what is
supposed to be my mother
on the other side of the door. shes saying something so
faint i can hardly
make out the words.. its my name. its 2:32am. shes saying
not to die.
shes telling me i dont have to die.
there is a pile of puke in the corner opposite me and
tears are running hot
down my face.
I feel hands holding me up under my feet as i work out of
a second later i fall to the sand below and collapse onto
my side, breathing heavy
white explosions in front of my mouth against a sea of
im alive.. and for a second.. its all that matters.
walking home, jumping in the parking lot.. dancing for a
jump into a bush, balance across the back of a bench. and
just like when i went to bed last night.
and outside the door to my room, under millions of stars
i cant say that one word.
that word hasnt been invented yet.