Pesheur

Unfinished Business
2005-04-06 04:54:35 (UTC)

I Am My Enemy

12:20am 040605

I hate myself.

I don't even know why I feel so despondent right now.
Every now and then this rage just consumes me and I have
to imagine it's because there remains something repressed.
There is something just under my skin that scratches and
howls to be let out at times.

I finally talked with a friend of mine today and addressed
some of the issues he has with me. I told him the truth
and he immediately seemed as though he understood. We
drove around for about twenty minutes and he finally told
me that he's been feeling shitty himself because he's
having problems with his girlfriend.

Perhaps "problems" isn't exactly the right word.

He's being mentally and emotionally abused by this young
woman -- a PhD student at a university in Pennsylvania who
is depressed and anxiety ridden. She frequently screams at
him about seemingly inconsequential things and accuses him
of spending too much time on his studies and too little
time on her. Then she will apologize and tell him she
doesn't know what's wrong with her or why she's feeling
this way. This of course makes my friend feel even more
responsible to her. It seems to me like the typical
situation where abusee is given to perpetually forgive
abuser and continue to be abused. See every spousal abuse
case for reference.

He's still planning on moving down there this summer to be
with her, but I was relieved to hear that he's having
reservations.

I personally am sick of relationships. I am tired of
feeling guilty for things I already take responsibilty
for. It's like admitting that you did something wrong
isn't enough. Even doing something about the mistake is
not enough. Making sure it doesn't happen again is an
element of taking responsibility, but can be oppressive if
it means not talking about a subject that is so on your
mind that you can't possibly deny it anymore.

Can I be anymore ... vague?

I just want to be alone. I don't want anyone to try and
hook me up with anyone else and I am not going to try. I'm
just starting to get better at not oogling women like they
are pieces of meat with holes. What I need is to start
taking better care of myself and, when the time comes, if
I decide to make my way back into the world, I'll do so
confidently and on my own.

Just recently, an old friend of mine -- actually the
resident director of a hall I used to be an RA in -- told
me about this female friend of hers who was interested in
talking to me. I said sure, so we started emailing each
other. This past weekend, I finally met her and was
insulted that my RD "friend" would think I would actually
be attracted to this person. Granted, physical attraction
isn't everything, but if I'm not attracted to someone
physically, the buck stops there. I still email the girl,
but I make no pretenses about wanting to be in a
relationship with her.

The young woman -- call her Darlene -- is a little dense
too. I mean she's kind of daft and has a personal
investment in bad television pop culture that I cannot
stomache. For example, she is a self-proclaimed reality Tv
addict defending such shows as American Idol and Survivor
against the attack to mindlessness posed by myself and
another member of the party we were hanging out with that
weekend. She was also genuinely concerned about the Pope's
health. There is no sense of political awareness nor
critical faculty about this woman.

I am a leftist academic with a degree in English
literature and working toward a PhD. I rail against the
encroachment of corporations on culture and academic
institutions. I rage against the hypnotizing affects of
consumer culture and view art and literature with a
reverence few, even among my colleagues, share. I am also
an atheist and have little patience for people trying to
convert me to any metaphysical belief system especially
those that I can connect directly to a history of violence
and imperialism.

All that said, Darlene is not for me.

This is not a judgment of people with similar vices
and "hobbies". I am not trying to say that all people who
watch television and are concerned about religious matters
are not worth my time (in describing Darlene I've also
described much of my mother's side of our family). I just
want to be clear that I could not be in a relationship
with such a person and actually feel attracted to them.

Either my RD friend really thinks I am ugly and stupid, or
she feels pity for her friend's loneliness. I assume the
latter and so forgive her her miscalculations.

Blah Blah Blah.

I still think I am an asshole. I think I'll go punch
myself in the face a few times and then get back to work.




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