Lady_Atheist

Inquiring minds want to know.....
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2005-04-06 04:46:13 (UTC)

jumbled thoughts......

So... my dad was in Desert Storm right? and I guess its
just like Vietnam in the way of agent orange and all that
shit...i mean i know that they didn't have agent orange
with desert storm but I guess they had something like it...
anyway, its been years since that war but in the past two
years somethings been happening with my dad that the drs
think is because of the war... my dads back is literally
disinigrating.... i mean its so bad that it hurts him to
walk more than four minutes.... last time I saw my dad he
was horrible looking...all stooped over and stuff like an
old man or something...and my dad is only 42...its so
different from a few years ago... I mean my dad was in the
military all my life... first the air force..then he quit
and became a police officer for awhile... doing undercover
shit and all .. then he worked at a railroad while also
being in the army.... so hes always had active jobs...hes
so miserable now... and today he called me on his way to
south carolina to tell me that hes going into surgery
tomorrow...again.... My dad and I aren't close... we're so
alike in personality but our opinions are so radically
different... so here he is telling me that he has to go to
surgery again and all i can think is how scared i am... for
so long i hated my dad ... I hated everything about
him..but I get so scared at the prospect of losing him...
we talked for about 2 hours today..a record... we talked
about how unhappy he is with his marriage and how miserable
he is in life... My belief in god is minimal at best and
nonexistant most days... but i can't help but pray that
something goes right for him... my dad that is... i mean
the guy has had two divorces and now hes in a marriage that
only exists because he got my stepmom pregnant... and my
stepmom keeps saying that she wants to leave.. and if she
does, she'll take my brothers with her... and michael.. god
michael is my dads last hope at a child to love... i mean
my mom left with me and i grew up hating my dad maybe
seeing him a week outta the year... and caitlin doesn't
even know who her dad is cuz her moms a bitch and won't let
my dad see her... and then theres michael... my dads only
boy... chad belongs to diane but michael is my dads
baby .... and theres no way the courts would grant my dad
custody of him cuz of his disability... when my mom left
with me.. my dad almost killed himself..i mean a friend
actully had to pry the gun from his fingers.. if diane
takes michael....... i don't want to lose my dad... and i
feel like I'm going to ... i know hes thought about it..hes
told me... hes told me how bad its been with failed
marriages and being broke all the time... hes told me how
he just wants it all to end... i just don't want to lose
him... I love my dad ... even if he is the most stubborn
irratating ass of a man.... hes still my daddy... my only
daddy.... I just wish i could be down there to take care of
him... hell its been almost two years since i've seen
him.... I just want to be able to see him... I've spent so
much time blaming him for the divorce... and when i stopped
blaming him i just wanted someone to blame... every shrink
i've ever been to has asked me "why do you need to know
whos fault it was?" and i've never known the answer..then
it dawned on me today... i just need someone to blame for
everything... i mean from the moment my mom left everything
in my world went to shit... if they hadn't divorced she
wouldn't have married glenn...he wouldn't have beat me...
she wouldn't have sent me away... my dad wouldn't have
married mardi ...mardi wouldn't have beat me... i wouldn't
be so estranged from my father... i would be in college
now... i wouldn't have all of this shit on my mind... i
wouldn't be so broken... i don't know what else to say...I
just have so much shit on my mind and no one to tell....


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