tales of shattered dreams
2005-04-05 08:45:45 (UTC)

goodbye, nice to know you.

the fast-paced eight month relationship i had with rob
completely ended tonight. i never thought it would. i
guess a fourteen year age difference was too much. we both
wanted different things. i'm nineteen and he's thirty
three. i want to be able to go out and party on occasion
and be with my friends without coming home to guilt trips
or accusations of me cheating. is that too much to ask
for? he nearly took a bat to drew's car tonight as we
pulled into my neighborhood. he said if we would've gotten
out of the car instead of speeding down the road, he
would've killed us both. as well as we complimented each
other, we just wanted different things. it's so hard to
realize now that i'm on my own again. i'm staying at my
dad's right across the street tonight, but as for tomorrow
night and the night after, i have no idea what i'm going
to do with my life. i have nothing, except for riz. he's
the love of my life. i have no money, no home, no
happiness. all i have are these tears that just keep
pouring down my face. i don't understand how he says it
doesn't seem like i'm a part of his life. as soon as we
started dating, anyone he didn't want me hanging out with,
i didn't. i lost half my friends and eight months that are
supposed to be some of the best times of my life. he's so
authoritative and insecure. i miss him so much though and
i don't know why. i do love him, or at least i'm pretty
sure i did until tonight. i have never seen him so livid
before. it hurts so much to know that i have no one again.
now i look forward to living out of my car and bags for
the next few weeks until i find somewhere i belong. i
don't know where exactly that is. i don't even know who i
am or why i feel like this all the time.
i wish i could just disappear. everytime i start to feel
like this, it progressively gets worse and worse until i
ultimately try to take my life. it's happened three times
before. i always say it won't happen again, but that's
just the road i always seem to take.
it's so wierd how i know myself so well, but at the same
time, i'm my own stranger and enemy. i hate myself.
i hate this life.
i wake up every morning hoping that something happens to
me and attempt to fall asleep in a puddle of tears, it's a
horrible way to live.
i don't sleep and i don't eat. i don't smile and i don't
laugh. i don't dream, i have nightmares. i don't cry, i
drown myself in my own misery.
i need to be happy again. i want someone to be happy with
for right now, the only man in my life is my little nine
pound dog, riz.i love him with all my heart. i guess the
best thing to do is focus on my depression, me, and riz.
i don't need anyone. i'm so dependent and i need to change
that. i will try my hardest to fix the way i look at
things. i'm turning a new leaf. goodbye rob, goodbye old,
sad mimi, goodbye tears. goodbye, nice to know you.