Kalamity K

The Daily Chaos of Kalamity K
2005-04-05 01:26:14 (UTC)

The Second Call Came at 0313

Another hour later, roughly, the phone rang. We bolt sat
bolt upright. Well, what I mean is that both of our
reactions were instantaneous. My boyfriend never goes to
answer the phone. Within a half ring he was at the end of
the bed. I caught myself thinking it was a good thing I
plugged the phone in the bedroom back in a few days ago.
It always comes unhooked and we don't usually keep it
hooked in for that reason. That, and we never use it, so
I plug it in when I want to use it. I glanced at the
clock. It's an ingrained habit. I always look at the
clock when something it happening. I don't know why.
Like it makes a difference at all. But I did. It said
0343 and it's 30 or 40 minutes fast. I think 40, but I
remember I converted the time like I do and came up with
0313...maybe I did it wrong. Maybe it was really 0303. I
don't suppose in the grand scheme of things it makes a
difference. Not for us, not for my boyfriend sitting 20
000 km from his family.

It was his sisters again. I found out later they were
calling from the hospital. Their mother had just died.

And in four hours, how much a world can change.

A few minutes later, he's telling me to go back to sleep.
It's hard to reconcile that with hearing the news that one
of your in-laws has just passed away, no matter how close
or distant you may have been in relationship and
proximity. It is the parent of your significant other.
And you are just supposed to go back to sleep.

But we did. It's almost easier, when you know what has
happened, then when you are waiting after the first call
that says, There's an emergency, something bad is
happening...

We both took the day off work today. He asked me when I
got up if I would stay home. There wasn't much argument
there. I hadn't wanted to ask him if he wanted me to stay
b/c our financial situation is so poor, but I am glad he
asked me. He knew I wanted to stay. I knew he wanted me
to. I think I am a terrible person to have around during
a sad event like this. I can take charge and get things
done, that's not the problem. I just always feel so
inadequate. He appreciated me being there and staying
with me and said thank you a million times, but I always
feel like the most unsympathetic, uncaring bitch. I heard
myself saying things like, "At least you got an extra year
and a half," and "at the very least, she didn't suffer
through this for a long, terrible week"... all of which
are valid points - all of which he's said and was
saying... but, as he also says, it doesn't make up for
right now.

And nor should it, I answered. Nor should you feel
obligated to remember that right now. I even told him,
when it kicked in to him to say that, that he could
remember it later on. I just... He will tell you that I
do a good job at these things and say the things he needs
to hear. No matter, though - I always feel so fucking
inadequate and like such a let down to him, though I am
trying my best to hear his words and if he says I'm doing
what he needs, then that is going to be enough for me for
right now. There will be plenty of time to get on myself
for my inadequacies later.

So we both took the day off work. He went to do a few
things he had to do at work, report cards and the like,
and he spoke to his boss. I had to drop a stupid package
off at work that an agent send C.O.D. and I had to pick up
on Friday and I didn't want any kaffuffle because it was
sitting in my house. And then we hung out. I bought a
sketch/scrapbook (he bought it for me) and some sketching
pencils so I could have my book for the Blue Jays that I
wanted to keep - and so I could have it for Opening Day.
We bought 3 things at the grocery store - we only went to
get drinks but halfway through I could see him get
confused and disoriented and I thought my heart was going
to break. I've seen that in me many times, not being able
to comprehend even the grocery store for the noise in my
head...I don't think he understands it a lot when it
happens to me...but I just wanted to wrap him up and take
him away from everything when I saw it happening. I took
him to work and waited for him then we did the packge (all
the way on the other end of town), then the scrapbook (two
different places, we crisscrossed the city today), then
the groceries, then home. As he said, when I said thank
you for asking me to stay with him, "I think I just needed
a buddy around today..."

Right now, it's been a strange day and I don't want to
stay in here and write too much. Late night phone calls
have a bad reputation for a reason. They rarely bring
good news. I'm sad for him. I'm sad for him that he's
been away from home for so long, that things in his life
aren't working out necessarily as he thought they should,
or as he deserves. I'm sad that he won't be there for her
funeral, because he isn't going back. I'm sad that I
wasn't a better daughter-in-law. I feel somewhat guilty
that we didn't get married in time for her to see it and
even though I don't think we'd ever have kids together, I
am sad that she'll never get to see his kids. We were not
close, his mother and I - living on different sides of the
world and only having spent some weeks together, in grand
total, it makes it hard, but we corresponded on occasion
and it was lovely. She had a recipe for scones I always
wrote to get ... I had been meaning to write for it
again. I hope I still have it somewhere...

I'm going to cry. I'm not sure why, exactly, though
perhaps that sounds like a stupid thing to say. [-sigh-]
Sometimes I feel like I get hit with wave after wave of
things. Sometimes I feel like we as a couple get hit like
that. Sometimes I feel like he gets hit like that -
though truth be told, I usually think that when I'm the
wave hitting him... But right now, I'm sort of wondering
again when we collectively get to catch a break. He
doesn't handle crisis very well, but he is handling this
admirably...though I think this is a different kind of
crisis than what he doesn't handle well. What he doesn't
handle well is the, "I can't get through this without you,
if you don't come back with me, I'm not going..." and
the "I don't know what to do" kind of crisis. We all
pretty much knew he wouldn't go home "just" for a
funeral. I was rather surprised he'd thought about going
home at all when they said she only had days...he always
said that wasn't how he wanted to remember her...that he'd
prefer to be there for a few weeks and have a good time
with them all and enjoy being with each other...which, in
retrospect, is what ended up happening when he went home
that first time around... that the huge uproar it caused
between us, whether he was going to go or not and the
getting of the tickets almost made me walk, way back
then. But that is a story for another day, not now...

Right now, I have one more thing to write, then I'm going
to go back out to the living room and watch the basketball
game with him. Opening Day - the Jays won. Halladay
finally gets his Opening Day win. The Jays played
alright. Hit 3 home runs after all the talk of how they
were necessarily a "small ball" team this year. In the
car today, my boyfriend said, I don't see it. They can
hit home runs. It's still early, the pitchers are still
getting into gear, etc., etc., etc., but it was kind of
funny. It was a subdued watching of the game, though. He
watched with me. He wanted to and he's doing as well as
one could expect...but it wasn't the Opening Day I'd been
waiting for for so long. Please, please know I'm not
saying that in anger. I'm just simply saying it. I wish
it had been the Opening Day I'd expected - sitting at
work, stewing because I couldn't hear the game on the
Internet or watch it on TV. Because then, then, my
boyfriend's mother would be alive and everyone would be
okay. That's the only reason I say I wish it had been the
Opening Day I'd been waiting for.

K2




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