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2005-04-04 15:10:31 (UTC)

Out of Place

Do you ever just feel out of place? Like you are so
different from everyone else and no one sees it? That how
I've been feeling here lately. I just feel like I'm in the
dark and everyone else is sees the light. My husband and I
got along really well this weekend. The only thing that
went wrong was sat. night/ early sun. I was trying to talk
to him about the baby and he acted like it was torture to
talk about it. He says he was playing but I wonder about
that. Also I feel like he never listens to me. He had plans
with his sister to go to dinner Saturday. Before he left
while he was on the computer playing SL, I asked him if he
would get me something to eat on his way back home. He
didn't respond. So when he was on his way out the door I
reminded him. So I let it go but kept thinking about it. I
brought it up Sunday morning that I feel like I don't
matter and that he never listens to me. Of course I started
crying, damn hormones! He tried to explain that I did
matter or he wouldn't be there and taking that medicine. He
also said that the medicine messes with his head and that
it makes it hard for him to think straight. He forgets
things and that I need to be patient with him. He said that
it might take years before he finds the right medicine or
for it to work right. He told me as far as for me worrying
about another women that that will never happen. He said
the only thing I have to worry about is if things get worse
then they did before. At the time I didn't think much of
it, but now I wonder if he means that if he lets his
depression get to him if he will once again question our
marriage. I can't go through that again. I guess I need to
ask him if that's what he meant. Because like I've said
before, I don't care if it's 2 months, 2 years, or 20 years
from now, if he ever would pull that I don't know if I love
you or not bullshit again, are marriage will be over. I
will not torture myself again by living with someone for
weeks wondering if he will leave me or not. I will end it
just because it's not fair for me to go through that again.
I guess I need to make that clear to him so he knows. I
guess I'll do that sometime today. I hope the conversation
goes well. He also mentioned wanting to start his own
business again. I told him I believe that he can do it but
I feel like we need to do this the smart way. First we need
to get out of all the debt we have now. Sell the house, pay
off all the credit cards, Move back into a apartment, and
budget good. He says he doesn't want to do goverment
assistants, but I think he should try. I even told him he
could put it in my name that way it might be easier for the
grants to go through. I want him to do this because deep
down, if he's successful, I know this will cure is
depression. I just want to make sure we take our time and
do it the right way. We have children and I don't want our
family to end up on the streets because of poor planning. I
just hope he sees it the same way. I hope he can be patient
because it might take a couple of years to get this thing
off. Dear Lord, help my husband. Help him find a way to
start a business and be successful. I know he needs this
bad and I know if You help it will be possible. I want him
to be happy and be the man he wants to be. Please show what
I need to do for this to happen. Through You all things are
possible and I know You care. So please help him. Thank
You. Amen.

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