2005-04-03 19:37:04 (UTC)

April 3, 2005

I decided to start keeping a journal to help me with my
thoughts and help me through a difficult time. I have been
so fustruated with things going on my life right now. I
want to express myself in a way that is true to myself. My
boyfreind is going through anxiety attacks right now. It
is so difficult for me to be supportive. I have tried for
weeks now. Its very hard and I feel myself falling out of
love and I feel my self getting really irratied with my
boyfriend. I feel as thought I have enough and I am not
sure if I could do this anymore. I do not want to go this
and I know that if things do not get better I will leave.
I'm tired of being worried about finanical problems. We
have been through this before and I have had enough. This
time around I know I will not stay around. I have no more
energy to do this. My boyfreind has had depression before
and it was really hard for me. His family begged and
begged me to be by his side and I agreed. For 4 years I
felt glad that I did but now I dont think I can take it
anymore. There has to be something simplier than this. I
dont know why it has to be this way. I wish that he could
be normal but I have a feeling that it will never be
better. I know things will be worse and I can feel my self
slip away. I know that he is hurting but for some reason I
cant be be supportive. I feel anger when he tells me he
has an attack. He just came home today from working. He
only worked for 2 hours and he came home saying that he
couldnt do it. I feel like I can't do it anymore either. I
feel like I have had it enought. I want to walk away from
everything. It would be so much easier. I'm so
disappointied in my self that I can not be sempathatic to
what he is going through. I ran out of things to say to
tell him and that he will be better and he will overcome
the anxiety. Nothing is working. I'm tired of talking
about the anxiety. I'm tired of going to clinics and
hospitals. I'm tired of being there trying to help him and
nothing is happening. I'm tired of being in a
relationship. I"m tired of worrying about our finanical
problems. I'm tired of worrying about loosing our
apartment. I'm tired of worrying about him loosing his
job. I'm ready for it to all end. I'm worried about my
future with my boyfreind. When I look into the future I
see nothing but emotional problems. I do not see us
romanictally. I feel that our relationship is going to go
to hell. I'm scared that I will just walk up and leave. I
want to so bad. I have confonted him of this. I told him
that I will not be able to handle this if things do not
get better. I told him that I know theres something better
for me. I told him that I do not want to be in a
relationship with someone who is emotionally unstable. I
told him that I'm not capible of staying beside his side.
I feel that I'm not the person that would be able to be
with him. And if he ever get worse he will need to find
him self. He would not need me. It hurt his feeling. I
felt bad but I told him that I was being honest.

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