slave jess

Journal of Joels slave
2005-04-04 01:00:14 (UTC)

diary 03-04-05

hello,

i pulled my diary from public display today. there was a
reason as i have some deeper issues that i need to deal
with.

i was having problems dealing with the way my past Master
was handling the way He released me. i didnt want to cause
Him any further hurt but i need now to put it into words. i
loved Him so much but His reaction after my release made me
feel that i had done something wrong to force His hand in
my release, that i somehow forced His hand. there is a fine
line between love and hate and i was afraid of my love for
Him turning to hate.

we have had a couple of chats since then and they have been
more civil but right now i cant make this diary public
again until all these issues are solved. guess that is
funny to say as when it is made public anyone will be able
to read it then including my past Master..hopefully by then
all our differences will be resolved and i can explain this
diary and further diary entry to Him.. He has asked for me
to call Him Sir again and this makes me more comfortable.

MasterJ is also away right now so i dont have Him for
support either. i need Him so much now with the other stuff
that i have had dealt on me over the week end. this is now
the time i feel most alone as when Master R released me i
had Master J as well as other Masters who sent me feedback
but as they all have read my diary they now feel i have
Master J to guide me but i dont right now.. i am alone and
i am scared.

it is now late and i must tackle going to bed alone for the
1st time in ages. yes i normally sleep alone but i have my
Master to send me there and to lie with me in spirit but
tonight i have to send myself to bed and invite Masters
spirit to come with me.

love
jessica.




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