Unfinished Business
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2005-04-02 18:48:14 (UTC)

The April Fool

1:32pm 040205

Yesterday was my birthday. So fucking what.

The heat's off in my place until the guy gets here to fix
it. In the meantime I should be working, but it's another
one of those days where I feel like I could disappear and
the world would be a better place. I remember seeing that
book "The Human Stain" when it first came out and thinking
it was a good title (this was before I new the book was
about race). I immediately thought about what it would mean
to say that someone was a human stain. I feel like one
right now.

I, I, I, Me, Me, Me, I I I Me Me Me I Me I Me Ime IMe ...

That's why I keep this journal, so I can dwell on myself a
little more. It's the effect of an ego that desperately and
constantly needs to be fractured and abused to realize its
worthlessness, but its worthlessness is mine too. When did
it take over and when did I stop feeling? How did my head
get so swollen that I stopped thinking about what else was
going on around me?

That's the problem with lying (and this isn't some kind of
moral to a story, but a genuine realization) is that it is
mostly only for the purpose of fortifying the ego-self and
of building the ego-ideal.

I declare war on my ego.

It's starting to snow again after having such awesome
weather for the last few days. I feel a draft blowing in
through the window and don't think I'll be staying here
next year.

I hate the people I know. They are my only friends and I
feel wretched for saying this, but I hate them. I also feel
really good for saying this. I always feel on guard around
them, like they are trying to trip me up, but maybe it's
because they think I am a liar and they are trying to trip
me up. But if that's the case, why are they even my
friends. This is the way we go round and round. It occurs
to me that the only way out of the cycle is to hate them
and reject them ... but that would be running away. So the
way to fight back is to strike against my self and change
my own consciousness.

"I" have to change.

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