If Only....
2005-04-01 19:15:37 (UTC)

You look so precious now...


I don't know where to begin. I am lost and lonely. I have
a strong dislike for where I am located in my phyiscal
realm right now and my life is fading fast. Tyler and I
are on the end of our rope and only prayers and miracles
will save us now. Violence took a hold of our love and all
that's left in my eyes are bruises on my body and blood in
my nose. No one can seem to offer strong enough advice and
the only one I can turn to seems to be helping Tyler out a
lot more than I. GOD. I am here, embarassed and ashamed.
This has happened before and it led him to counseling, but
counseling seems to be not efficient enough to promote
progression in change. Yesterday was awful. The day before
was worse. I haven't made up my mind on leaving
completely, but as of now-Alex and I are at the apartment
and Tyler has agreed on staying at a hotel near Punta
Gorda for 2 weeks. I am so confused. Our love feels so
small. As if it isn't here at all. The wedding is off. I
am not interested nor do I have the smallest desire to
marry him any time soon since this has happened. I am not
wearing my ring. It sits at the bottom of my purse. I had
told him I do not think we should marry unless we can go a
year without being abusive. This also means I have to work
hard on using my greatest tool of destruction- my
vocabulary. Yes, I want to be an english teacher so words
are everything to me and that is a strategy I use to tear
down Tyler. To make him feel just as small as I do when he
belittles me with profanity, twisted truth, and violence.
This isn't what our love should be. This is not what love
is to me. I have a lot to think about and I have no
appetite. I still eat, but I have noe energy to do
anything, but cry...and sometimes, I am even exhausted
from doing that. I have a cigarette behind my ear
whispering sweet nothings, so I am going to surrender to
it. Be back in a flash to reveal any more troubling

My lamb and Marytr,
This will be over soon...

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