daily self deceptions...
2005-04-01 17:18:11 (UTC)

Better Day

Yesterday and most of last night was horrific. 'Dirty'
tells me, while talking to him online at work, that he
thinks bad about when he thinks about our future. That he
sees nothing good happening. He says he wants to be with me
but his hearts telling him he'll never have me. And that he
can't do this to himself anymore. He gave me till July and
said "that's it". I heard him mutter to himself that he
could see saying that and not really giving up and still
being around. He tells me he loves me more then anyone
else. That he has never loved anyone like he's loved me and
I truly feel it. He would give me anything. He yelled and
screamed and I could hear him fighting back tears as he
told me he would give up everything for me. Schooling for
his Masters Degree, his house, family, job, life.. just to
be here with me. And he said he knew I couldn't say the
same for him. He is right.
So many tears have been cried.
Today though is a better day. Before the night ended we
had talked about a lot of things. He just reminded me over
and over again that he can't do this anymore. And that I
had till June/July. And I told him fine. This isn't good
for either of us. And it has to go somewhere, even if it's
bad. We have to take a new step whether it is together or
Today it is sunny and I have the windows open in my house
and it makes me yearn for warmer weather and spring. For
everything to start growing again.

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