Go Veg

The Road to Vegetaria
2005-03-31 15:52:46 (UTC)

My social anxiety story

Thursday March 31 2005
10:52am EST

I just want to record some stuff here. Just started the
book, "Dying of Embarrassment; Help for Social Anxiety &
Phobia"...

I remember being very scared of going to preschool. I hated
it. My mom would drag me to this place in Duanesburg. I
would cry, telling her I didn't want to go. I remember
playing by myself there. I didn't like it.

I remember my mom trying to get me to take a gymnastics
class. I didn't want to go, went to one class, couldn't do a
backbend, started crying, and didn't want to go back.

I remember Kindergarten being kind of hard for me. My
teacher's name was Mrs. Baldauf. Once, the zipper on my coat
was broken or stuck, and I was so frustrated, trying to
zipper my coat. I think I started crying, I can't recall. I
had a hard time when the class next door would come over to
my classroom. It was hard for me to be around unfamiliar kids.

First grade was ok. I made some friends, Lynne Montgomery
and Rachel Krupka. Lynne became my best friend. My teacher
was Mrs. Jones. I was relatively outgoing with my friends
through first and second grade. I can't remember my 2nd
grade teacher's name... Mrs. LaPlante, I think? Third grade
was hard for me because I was in a mixed classroom with 4th
graders. I can't quite remember my teacher.... Mrs.
Stevens?? I had a hard time being around the older kids
because I felt inferior. Previously, I think I would
participate in class, raise my hand, etc. But in third grade
I had a harder time with things like show-and-tell, and
speaking up in class.

Fourth grade seemed to get harder for me. I'm blanking on my
teacher's name... but I remember her well. I stopped
participating in class completely. I remember once having to
give an oral book report. I memorized exactly what I was
going to say, and my friend Christy DeLaMater told me that
it was clear that I'd practiced a lot. I developed my first
crush on a guy named Gabe Rodriguez.

Fifth grade was especially hard. I had to move up to the
middle school, had to experience changing rooms for some
classes, had to deal with upperclassmen... basically all of
middle school I felt very uneasy, uncomfortable and scared.
My now stepsister became my best friend and I didn't make
any effort to make other friends, really. 7th grade I had to
give some oral report and when the teacher started asking me
questions (so hard for me, I couldn't script my answers!) I
got really shakey. At lunch next period she found me and
told me I shouldn't be so hard on myself. Mrs. Ceranski. I
didn't say much in response, I just wanted her to go away
and forget about it all.

I developed a HUGE crush on Travis Williamson this year. I
was in some church thing with him where we went to see
Carmen or some other Christian music dude. He happened to
sit next to me and at one point we all had to stand up and
hold hands and I was freaking out that we were holding
hands. Obviously, nothing ever materialized with him. Hell,
I didn't even get my first kiss til I was 18.

9th and 10th grades were hard. I felt like a freak, I was
making a few friends, it's pretty easy at that age, I think.
But I was afraid to change for gym class so every other day
I'd come to school in sweats so I didn't have to change. A
good friend of mine and I got kind of involved in
extracurricular activities.

It wasn't until 11th grade that I started having fun in
highschool. I got involved in the Yearbook, and I got
involved with the spring musical painting sets. Both clubs
were full of freaks and geeks like me, so I fit right in.
The kids who were in the musical were pretty nice, too, and
we got invited to cast parties and such. I met a lot of
great people that way, super friendly and caring people.

12th grade was pretty decent too. Now a senior, I didn't
have to feel inferior to any upperclassmen, just the popular
kids in my own grade. I had a few more friends, but I wasn't
as involved with the musical. I auditioned with my friend
Lisa Ellenbogen, but I didn't get in. That sucked for me. I
was, however, the co-editor of the yearbook with my friend
Jacqui. That was really good for me. I remember being in
charge of getting all the pictures for the superlatives. I
had some scheduling problems with that, felt like an ass,
and when it was finally time I had to be in charge of
working with the photographer and getting all the "most
popular/most likely to succeed/whatever" people together for
pictures. I felt like a freak, like I didn't fit in, like
everyone could tell I didn't know what the hell I was doing.

College sucked plain and simple. I did 2 years at a junior
college near home then transfered to a 4-year also near
home. My friend Sara and I were in touch for maybe the first
three years of college, and I had my boyfriend Bill, we
started going together the beginning of my first semester.
And I had my best friend Tammy from highschool. But I made
NO friends in college. Not one. After I transfered I somehow
thought I wanted to live in campus. Lord knows why I decided
to do that. It was a disaster. I was miserable. My first
room was in the Transfer hall. My roommate never showed up,
so I was all alone. My hall was LOUD and people were crazy.
My neighbhors had parties all the time, and never invited
me. I was a freak. I didn't shower when everyone else did,
I'd wait. I sometimes didn't even want to leave my room to
go to the bathroom. I'd pee in a cup and dump it out the
window. Pretty messed up, right? I was so scared to be
around these people. I lasted a few months there and then
transfered to the Quiet Hall and had a roommate named
Barbara. She was ok. We didn't get that close because I was
so anxious all the time and didn't know how to make friends.
I'd go home most weekends. The only time I'd stay on campus
on the weekends is if I knew Barbara wouldn't be there. I
studied all the time because I didn't know what else to do
with myself. I never went out. I hung out with Bill and Tammy.

My last year of college I moved back home. Throughout
college I worked at the mall in Bath and Body Works, and I
had made casual friends there, which was nice, but no one I
was hanging out with outside of work. At the end of my last
semester I broke up with Bill. He just wasn't the one.
During this time I got online for the first time ever. It
was 1997, so honestly, the internet wasn't as big as it is
now. Boy, it really opened my eyes. I started corresponding
with this guy named Scott, he was kinda shy himself. This
was before I broke up with Bill. I also met Moacir, who
lived in Chicago. We got close over email and my god I even
had phone sex with him. This was after I broke up with Bill.

I let my heart get ahead of me with Moacir, and he found
someone else closer to where he lived. I got over him, and
started dating this guy from AOL who contacted me. He knew
my cousin, and I asked her if he was legit. She told me yes,
they went to college together. He was a nice guy and all,
but totally not my type. He wore, like Tommy Hilfiger and
was EXTREMELY sexual. Very pushy. We were "together" for 2
months. Then I met Jon.

I think I've always been shy, but it seems like it got
markedly worse around 3rd and 4th grade. Transitions have
always been difficult for me. Older kids in school always
made me feel inferior. I've always gotten along best with
younger people (Bill was 3 years younger, Jon is 4.5).

Ok, I'm going to keep reading my book. I may update if more
stuff starts coming up for me....

============================
12:10pm

Adding: You know, I've read a little bit about what Social
Phobia is (I don't like the term "phobia", at least for
myself, because it's not a phobia for me) and I'm slightly
frustrated because I think I have a very specific cause that
isn't fitting into this book. My sister was going to try to
write a paper about how childhood abuse causes social
anxiety/phobia (before I ever mentioned this to her!!), and
she said she couldn't find any studies. It just seems so cut
and dry to me -- at least for myself. I wrote about this a
few entries ago, but it bears repeating... Being sexually
abused by a parent is bound to cause very low self-esteem...
causing the child to basically distrust adults, authority
figures, and other people, since no one protected the child.
She feels that she's keeping this enormous secret, and can't
bear the thought of anyone finding out how horrible she is.
She MUST be horrible, after all, for this to have happened
to her.

Hm... Well, I'll keep reading. Watching Full House now. I'm
such a sucker for the feel-good family sitcoms of the '80s
and '90s.

=============================

1:31pm EST

My goals:

To make a female friend of my own. To have a friend I can
call and talk to, visit with, etc. I really miss having a
best friend and would like to have one again, but I don't
want to force it.

To feel more comfortable and less anxious talking to my
current friends. To be comfortable with the kind of intimacy
that comes from close friendships.

To feel comfortable making work phone calls to people or
agencies I am not familiar with.

To feel more comfortable talking with authority figures at
work. To feel more comfortable asking for things I deserve
at work.

To be more social with my co-workers. I would like to feel
comfortable initiating conversations with my co-workers that
are not based on work situations. I would like to feel
comfortable making small talk and carrying on a conversation
with my co-workers.

My prioritized goal with objectives:

I think the most important goal to work on right now is my
third goal:

To feel comfortable making work phone calls to people or
agencies I am not familiar with.

Objectives:

-- I will not feel anxious and scared before I make a phone
call to an agency or person I'm unfamiliar with.

-- I won't hesitate before making this kind of phone call.

-- I won't worry about making myself look stupid because I
don't know who to talk to or how to solve the problem myself.

-- I will be able to make multiple phone calls a day without
feeling overwhelmed.




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