Sunni

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2005-03-31 04:12:34 (UTC)

Fear Sucks

Tonight, in practicum we had a case study presentation
then we took turns as counselor and client in REAL, live
counseling sessions in front of the class. [Of course,
everything was confidential. Yeah, right.]

I was terrifed I would be called on and damned if Cowger
didn't call on me. I was tired and grouchy and said, "No,
I'm not volunteering tonight." He was then noticeably
peeved.

Yes, I have a lot of issues I could talk about, but I'm
not ready to divulge my deepest insecurities. What am I
afraid of? I'm afraid my daughter is going to die from a
heart defect and it was she who was sent by God to rescue
me, surely. [I'd have committed suicide many years ago, if
it weren't for having children in the world.] I'm afraid
that I'm terrible at counseling and that someone will find
out just how incompetent I am and expose me for a fraud.
I'm afraid that I'm inarticulate and of inferior
intelligence compared to other counseling students. I am
afraid I will never get a decent job again and I'll never
be able to take care of myself. I'm afraid no man will
ever want or love me again, that I'll just be abandoned
and hurt again. I'm afraid that I'll never lose weight and
be as healthy as I want to be. I'm afraid I really am too
neurotic to be a mental health counselor and how can I
counsel others when I'm such a mess? I'm afraid I'll die
alone, unloved, and unwanted.

I could have talked about all this fear tonight but I
wouldn't have been able to put it into words at that
precise moment that I was called on to do so.

I could have talked about my mistrust of men, how I've
been used, rejected, abused, abandoned, you-name-it and
how I'm using my weight to avoid having a real, intimate
relationship with a man. [I think part of me hopes I'll be
rejected for my weight so I can say that the man is stupid
and superficial, perhaps.] I could have talked about how
insecure I am due to how I was treated in my past
relationships, how I fear that I am really worthless and
unworthy of anyone's love.

Hell, I'm tired just writing these few BIG issues down
here! No way I was going to talk about them in class!

[sigh] Fear sucks...


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