Ken

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2005-03-31 02:44:01 (UTC)

frustrations

It's been a few days since Mary arrived and I wish I knew
what I was doing wrong all the time. I love her. That I
know but I can't seem to do anything right for her. Not
that she is being stuck up, I mean I can't seem to keep
from making her mad. What is worse is sometimes she
doesn't seem to realize how she does it. I don't want to
hurt her. Today in line for a ride, she kept rocking into
me with her elbow hitting me. It wasn't a painful thing
but was getting annoying. I asked her to stop several
times, moving away but she wouldn't stop. I did what I
shouldn't which was snap at her, getting down near her
face and making it so several people looked at us. This is
something I should have never done...no matter what. I
felt as bad as I have in a long time after that. Later
when we were 'clearing the air', she suggested that I
would hit her! That would never happen..EVER. If she
doesn't believe that...I'm sorry but it is the truth.
There is a world between getting snippy..yelling...and
hitting someone..lord I get sick when I see stuff like
that in a movie..I couldn't do that. what gets me though
right now is she doesn't seem to see how my feelings were
hurt that she doesn't seem to know me enough to respect
when I ask her not to keep hitting me. I know she says
though that she thought I was kidding. I guess I need to
be clearer without snapping at her. Again, I know that I
should never yell like I did. I just wish she knew I was
serious before it got to that point.I worry if this is
going to work out but I just don't want to give up on the
love I have for her....

edit: it's 2 AM. she is asleep and I've sat by her bed for
the last hour just looking at her. I wonder what she
dreams and if I am part of those dreams and her vision of
her future. I am afraid that how I've been this weekend
might have thrown me right out of those dreams..




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