The Daily Chaos of Kalamity K
Here I am.
Sweaty and drenched and clammy as hell.
Why the hell am I here, you may ask?
Because my boyfriend had back pain last night and was up
Which kept me up all night.
I left this morning without even saying goodbye. Not a
word. Not an anything. He was probably too busy in the
bathroom throwing up to notice, anyway.
What is not fine is that we got into an argument again. My
fault, naturally. I personally thought I did pretty well,
lasting for 6 hours until 0400 when he started moaning and
crying about how it hurt so much he just couldn't take it
At 0500 I finally snapped and asked if he wanted to go to a
doctor and he refused and I pressed, just once, he got mad
b/c I was berating him, I said no, I'm not berating you but
I will tomorrow when you refuse to call a doctor. At one
point he accuses me of being completely unsympathetic. I,
with barely recovering laryngitis, yell/scream/whimper
pitifully b/c of my voice, "Unsympathetic? I fucking bend
over backwards for you!" His response is something like
WHEN? And he's right, b/c he lives in the moment and in
the moment I was doing nothing for him save bitching - save
it kills me to hear him in pain and be unallowed to do
anything for him, lest it set him off. Not even have the
confidence to ask how he's doing or if I can help without
feeling the eggshells under my feet and heart shredding and
crumbling and breaking. Feeling that tense, nervous,
pounding heart feeling that is far too common, knowing that
I will screw up, it's only a matter of time.
So for the next hour we got into it on an off.
Maybe that's why I snap first, to provoke the argument and
get it over with.
And enough with playing the fucking martyr at other
moments, hobbling out to ask me if I'm okay, if he can get
me anything. Get back to bed and forget about it. I
already feel like a big enough fucking bitch b/c I guilted
you into making me dinner last night - even though you
insisted even after I found out your back was hurting.
I shouldn't have to find myself in bed with tears on my
fucking lashes again at 0500 because of this. I shouldn't
have to feel guilty b/c I was really really fucking looking
forward to sleeping right through the night b/c I'm feeling
like shit and fighting laryngitis and a chest
cold/bronchitis and a potential sinus infection if I'm not
careful. I SHOULDN'T BE MADE TO FEEL GUILTY BECAUSE OF
THAT. He didn't do it outright. But the fact that all
this happens has served the purpose well enough.
I shouldn't even fucking be here at work. There's no
fucking way I should be here. I still can barely talk. I
didn't even bring a coat with me I'm so hot - it's still
fucking March in Canada. Good move, dolt. But that's how
hot I am and was. And soon I'll be freezing.
YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M SORRY I'M A FUCKING BITCH WHO DOESN'T
UNDERSTAND THE AMOUNT OF PAIN YOUR IN. I AM. THIS IS
TRUE. IF IT IS TRUE THAT YOU ARE IN EXCRUCIATING PAIN AND
I AM BEING A MISERABLE FAILURE AT UNDERSTANDING, I AM TRULY
SORRY. I AM.
BUT GET OFF YOUR FUCKING ASS AND GO TO A FUCKING DOCTOR.
THAT WILL MAKE ME A WHOLE HELL OF A LOT MORE SYMPATHETIC TO
YOUR SITUATION, BUDDY, THAN HEARING YOU TELL ME THAT GOING
TO THE DOCTOR IS QUOTE TWENTY BILLION TIMES WORSE THAN
GOING THROUGH THE PAIN THAT YOU "JUST CAN'T STAND ANY MORE"
FOR AN ENTIRE NIGHT.
I CAN'T STAND THIS. I CAN'T FUCKING STAND THIS. DO YOU
HEAR ME? I'M AT MY FUCKING WIT'S END. I THREW A BOOK AT
THE WALL IN FRUSTRATION AT 0510 THIS MORNING. THAT IS NOT
ON. I DIDN'T AIM AT ANYONE NOR DID ANYONE GET HURT (HE
WASN'T IN THE ROOM WHEN I DID IT) BUT THE FACT THAT I LOST
MY SELF CONTROL ENOUGH TO DO THAT IS THE WORST PART.
I WANT TO TRY. I WANT TO TRY AND SEE IF WE CAN WORK
OURSELVES OUT ON OUR MERITS AND NOT TRY TO BREAK US UP ON
THE STRENGTH OF OUR WEAKNESSES (HOW'S THAT FOR OXYMORONIC?)
BUT THIS IS GETTING TO BE TOO MUCH. IT'S NO FUCKING
COINCIDENCE THIS HAPPENED LAST NIGHT. NONE. GO READ BACK
THROUGH THIS FUCKING JOURNAL. I BET MOST OF THE ENTRIES
REGARDING SITUATIONS LIKE THIS COME AFTER HE'S BEEN ON
HOLIDAY. HIS BODY IS USED TO DOING NOTHING AND FIRST DAY
BACK AT WORK, HIS BACK GOES ON HIM. OR THE FIRST WEEK.
I'M WILLING TO BET. THERE COULD BE REFRACTION TIME OR
WHATEVER, SO MAYBE NOT THE FIRST DAY, BUT SHORTLY AFTER
GOING BACK. HE DOES NOTHING WHEN HE'S NOT AT WORK.
NOTHING. MY THEORY SHOULD PROVE TO YOU JUST HOW MUCH OF
NOTHING HE DOES, IF A DAY OF STANDING CAN THROW A PERSON SO
OUT OF WHACK AFTER A COUPLE OF WEEKS OFF. YEAH, SURE. HE
SOMETIMES CLEANS HARD AROUND THE HOUSE AND DOES THIS AND
THAT, BUT IT'S NOT LIKE IT'S EVERY DAY ALL HOLIDAYS. AND
HE'S BEEN SICK, WHICH MAKES IT EVEN WORSE. WE HAVEN'T EVEN
GONE OUT TO WALK AROUND THE MALL OR ANYTHING. JUST SAT
THERE. I WENT OUT TO PICK UP DINNER A FEW TIMES, BUT HE
STAYED AT HOME. I HONESTLY CAN HARDLY REMEMBER THE LAST
TIME HE LEFT THE APARTMENT DURING HIS HOLIDAYS. IT'S GOT
TO BE AT LEAST A WEEK, MAYBE FOUR OR FIVE DAYS - AGAIN
BECAUSE WE WERE SICK BUT STILL...
I HATE BEING SUCH A ROTTEN BITCH THAT I AM SO UNSYMPATHETIC
TO HIS NEEDS AND PROBLEMS AND PAIN. I WISH I UNDERSTOOD.
BUT [-INCREASE SIZE OF FONT HERE PLEASE-] IT WOULD MAKE ME
SO MUCH MORE RESPONSIVE IF HE WOULD FUCKING [-SCREAMS-] DO
SOMETHING FOR HIMSELF. THAT ISN'T "DO SOMETHING ON HIS
OWN" BUT RATHER DO SOMETHING FOR HIS OWN FUCKING GOOD.
IT'S DISRESPECTFUL TO HIMSELF TO NOT GO TO THE DOCTOR WHEN
HE HAS TO GO THROUGH THIS.
IT'S DISRESPECTFUL TO ME TO NOT GO TO THE DOCTOR WHEN I
HAVE TO GO THROUGH IT WITH HIM (B/C IT HURTS ME TO SEE HIM
IN PAIN AND IT SCREWS ME UP - FOR INSTANCE, IF I GET SICKER
B/C OF THIS I WILL BE ONE UNHAPPY CAMPER, AND YEAH, THAT IS
UNSYMPATHETIC BUT I. DON'T. CARE. RIGHT. NOW.).
IT'S DISRESPECTFUL TO US AS A COUPLE AND OUR RELATIONSHIP
WHEN HE REFUSES TO GET HELP FOR THIS.
I COULD GIVE A SHIT RIGHT NOW WHAT THE REASONS ARE. IF
IT'S MONEY, THAT'S STUPID. IF IT'S FEAR, THAT'S EVEN
STUPIDER. IF IT'S SOMETHING ELSE HE BETTER FUCKING STEP UP
TO THE GODDAMN PLATE AND TELL ME OR HE'S GOING TO HAVE SOME
SERIOUS TIME ON HIS HANDS TO THINK ABOUT THINGS BECAUSE
I'M GOING TO SEND AN E-MAIL SOON - CALL THE DOCTOR TODAY OR
I'M NOT COMING HOME, CONSEQUENCES BE DAMNED. I'M EVEN
GOING TO TELL HIM WHERE THE GODDAMN PHONE NUMBERS FOR THE
DOCTOR ARE, B/C I KNOW HOW HUGE OF A FUCKING CHALLENGE THAT
JESUS FUCKING CHRIST. YOU ARE 33 YEARS OLD.
ACT IT FOR ONCE!!!
I'M TIRED OF THIS BULLSHIT. I'M TIRED OF THIS "IT'S ALL
ABOUT ME" CRAP. I'M SICK AND TIRED OF IT.
I'M SICK AND TIRED OF IT AND I'M FUCKING THIS CLOSE TO
WALKING. I KNOW I'VE SAID IT BEFORE. I KNOW HE DOESN'T
BELIEVE ME. I DON'T ALWAYS BELIEVE ME WHEN I RETURN TO
BUT I'M SITTING HERE AT MY STUPID FUCKING JOB AT 0752 FOR
NO FUCKING REASON B/C EVEN THOUGH I SHOULD BE HOME I
COULDN'T HAVE BEARED (BORNE?) BEING HOME WITH HIM TODAY AND
I'M QUITE SURE HE WOULDN'T WANT ME THERE B/C HE NEEDS TO BE
ALONE WHEN THIS HAPPENS (UNDERSTANDABLE). I'M HERE AND I
HAVE NO WHERE ELSE TO GO AND NOTHING ELSE TO DO AND I'M
SICK OF THAT. I'M SICK OF HATING MY LIFE AND MY BOYFRIEND
HALF THE TIME, I'M SICK OF HIM LETTING ME DOWN AND NOT
BEING THE MAN HE WAS, PROMISED TO BE, SHOULD BE. HE HAS IT
IN HIM BUT HE WON'T LET IT OUT ANY MORE. THERE IS SO MUCH
MORE OF THIS IN ME RIGHT NOW BUT I AM NOT GOING TO WRITE IT.
I WANT TO GO AND FUCKING LIE DOWN AND LEAVE A NOTE FOR
SOMEONE TO COME AND GET ME WHEN IT'S FUCKING 0830 SO I
DON'T SLEEP THROUGH WORK. I DON'T WANT ANYONE TO KNOW
ABOUT MY PERSONAL LIFE BUT I ALSO CAN'T JUST FALL ASLEEP,
NOW CAN I?
I'M SICK OF THIS.
FUCKING SICK OF THIS.
I AM SORRY FOR HIM. I FEEL HORRIBLE THAT HE'S IN SO MUCH
PAIN. I UNDERSTAND PAIN CAN MAKE A PERSON IRRATIONAL. BUT
IRRATIONAL BEHAVIOUR THAT KEEPS HIM STUCK WITH BACKPAIN
THAT COULD, I'M SURE, BE REMEDIED OR RELIEVED FAIRLY EASILY
IS STUPID AND UNFATHOMABLE AND UNFORGIVEABLE TO ME AT THIS
POINT. HE USED A WORD LIKE THAT IN RELATION TO ME THIS
MORNING, I CAN'T REMEMBER WHAT WORD EXACTLY BUT SOMETHING
LIKE THAT. UN...UN...UN SOMETHING.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
UN YOUR FUCKING SELF YOU LAZY PRICK. GET THE FUCK OFF YOUR
LAZY ASS AND DO THIS FOR ME OR I'M WALKING, TRYING AND
STARTING OVER AND COUNSELING BE DAMNED.
HARSH WORDS? YES. UNFEELING? YES. MEAN? YES.
HURTFUL? YES. PAINFUL? YES.
MY WALLS ARE GOING UP.
DON'T YOU DARE DISAPPOINT ME, SWEETNESS, BECAUSE AT THE END
OF THE DAY, YOU'LL ONLY BE HURTING YOURSELF.
Want some cocktail tips? Try some drinks recipes over here