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2005-03-30 03:07:45 (UTC)


"I've loved you before, in other lives,
but you never meant as much to me as now."
- Dexter Holland of the Offspring,
song: "Demons (a Mexican Fiesta)"

"Your eyes say no-no, but my mouth says yes-yes"
- Freddy Kruegar,
Freddy vs. Jason

So my play got picked, among 8 others, for
Experimental,I get to perform it with my own cast, I get to
make like Mr. Big Shot Hollywood Director for the auditons
for my play on Thursday, I'm leaving Citrus in style and I'm
moving to Vegas in 2 months anyway so what ever happens
between than and now should be fun, right? So then why am I
still feeling like Charlie Brown in the Christmas episode,
even though I have supporters I don't even know about
congradulating me on a job well done with a pat on the back
and a grin on their face?

Because it's not the same. None of it really matters,
because no matter what I do, and no matter how hard I try, a
part of me still feels disconnected from the rest of the
world. Why is this so? Because my best friend- the only
person I completely trust in the world right now- is a
million miles away livin' the good life in Utah (or maybe
he's as "rownry" as I am, who knows HOW he feels?). I
haven't had a decent Saturday night out since "Hitch" came
out, and that was the last movie the two of us saw together.
Damn, that was a funny flick.

Don't get me wrong, I love pussy just as much as the
next guy, but Ozzy understood me. We had good times, when we
were sitting around my apartment having a laugh, or paying
too-fucking-much for some piece of shit movie that we would
probably forget all about in a day or two. He's my right
arm, my go-to guy for advice who's always ready with the
pick-me-up. He's the brain of the team, and now it's just

Here's how weird things are for me: I watched Freddy
vs. Jason on Saturday (yes, I was able to fit watching a
movie here and there during my far-too-long Spring Break). I
am a Freddy nut, we both are. We were there opening night
for the movie, I remember that I was wearing my Offspring
Ixnay on the Hombre rodeo jacket I'd won off e-bay (we're
both Offspring fans, too) and he kept joking about how he'd
beat me up and steal it right off my back in the car. We
were the people who were crackin' up in the back of that
movie every time Freddy had a funny line (my favorite:
on talking about the movie after it was over. Those were
good times. But when I watch it now, the feeling of good
times isn't there. I mean, the lines are still funny,
believe me, but it's only me laughing- that gets really
scary, very quickly.

I guess I could go out and make a new best friend for
the two months I'm still here, but what's the point? Two
months is here and gone before you now it. Besides, getting
a substute Ozzy now won't be the same, because the trust
level is so different. I guess I'll just have to bite my
tongue and deal with the loneliness for the long haul, since
in two months it won't matter.

Wanna know the funny part? There is somebody who can
make the two months matter, somebody who can help me march
on, and she lives close to me, but I haven't seen or spoken
to her in 3 years. She was my left arm, my heart, my

I loved her, but she wasn't ready for that kind of
thing, so I left. Just like that... and that was probably
one of the most painful experiences I've ever been through,
made easier only because I had Ozzy to talk to. I'm over
here now- I have the many pictrues of Eliza Dushku to prove
it, and those scenes from Cherie's acting class with Krystal
and Audra to boot.... but it's not love I'm after with her
anymore. We had good times, just as good as the ones with
Ozzy, I know it, and she definetly knows it. We were happy
when we were just freinds, passing notes in class and
calling her up and pretending to know hopw to sing and play
the guitar the night she was having a nervous breakdown over
a bad audition. There was something there, even when we were
just friends.

She could make things feel somewhat better for me, but
I don't know if I have it in me to call her up and say hi
like back then. I mean, we didn't part on the best of terms,
and I know at one time she blamed herself for it and she was
sorry about it, but what about now? Times change, people
change, the world changes. She was the biggest thing to me
pre-Ozzy, yes, but by now I've probably already been
replaced in her mind. And, most important, can my heart bear
losing her a second time if things get fucked up again? I
doubt it.