AutumLeaves

Secret Message

There's a secret reason that I'm going to write this,
and you guys reading out there totally don't have to read
this.

When I read over some of my entries, I wondered what
people thought of me. It would seem I write a lot about
sex, drugs and alcohol. Well, this wasn't exactly the
image I wanted to get out. So, I'm going to tell you the
truth, the whole truth about my excapades, or as one of my
friend so wonderfully vauge puts it, my "adventures."

First things first, about the drinking. I believe in
moderation. I haven't been trashed in over a year. I've
only been "trashed" once, and I don't care to ever do it
again. It was the most awful experience I've ever had to
endure.

The sex. Yes, I do like having sex and messing around.
But, it's no big deal to me. To not have sex is completely
fine. I'm on a dry spell at the moment and it's not like
I'm scratching the walls because I can't get any bone.

The drugs, my least expierenced thing in the whole
group. I have smoked weed, I believe four times. If not
four, then three. I was miserable all three/four times.
The last time, I puked my guts out because of it. And,
because my ex was high, he started screaming things at me
and wouldn't help me at all. It was the ultimately most
embarassing, most horrible thing that had ever happened to
me.

The cigarettes. It may sound like I smoked all the time
and I have to have them to survive, but the case isn't so.
I never smoked that much. The only time I smoked was when
I was drinking with my ex. In fact I only started because
of him, but that's my fault as much as his. I miss smoking
because I like having something in my mouth, I don't miss
actually smoking cigarettes. I had one last month maybe,
and I couldn't smoke all of it. It made me so self-
concious because I reeked of smoke. My ex smells like that
all the time and it's awful. I felt like my mungs were
smaller and when I sang I realized I couldn't sing as
much. I would run out of breath really quickly. So, while
I miss it and say I hate qutting smoking, I never smoked
that much anyway, and I'm perfectly fine not smoking and
I'm glad I'm doing it any longer.

*shrugs* I just feel the need to clarify. That's why I
said no one really has to read this, it's just for myself
and that secret reason, to which will remain a secret.