*~*Silent Tears*~*

~*~SINKING AND FALLING*~*
Ad 2:
2005-03-29 22:41:11 (UTC)

Its real after all . . .

Hey. Nice to say hi. Sorry I am a little meloncally
right now, so don't mind me. My mind is wondering into
depressing thoughts, and I think I will let it remain
there for a time. I just feel slightly stretched beyond
my limits and yet useless at the same time. Like trying
to fix a house during an earthquake. By the time one
thing is fixed five others need fixing, and soon after
even what you fixed came undone. Its a pointless job, and
sometimes among all your effort the whole house falls
down, and all your work halted and ruined at the very same
moment. Perhaps I am only making sense to myself, but I
suppose that will be enough for the present, seeing as I
can do little more. Perhaps it is just the drama of a
teenage life, or the over active imagination of a deep
dreamer. I think I will no sooner find out, than shall
the clouds grow wings and fly down to us, letting us
finally feel their fuffyness for ourselves, so basically I
shall never know. Gosh I am cold. Strange really, how my
skin and hands are always so cold, and yet it would seem
natural to be used to it by now, see how the heating in my
attict room rarely works well. However I am not, I still
feel so cold. Memories are funny things aren't they.
Popping up when we thought they were gone, or lost,
especially when it is things we will not to remember.
Like now for instance, I keep seeing the image of my
Grandfather in my head, on his funeral day. I was six or
seven at the time, but I remember it very well. I was
extremely close to him, and he was one of the few people
who took the time to understand me. anyway, on that day,
before the cerimony I saw him laying up there, so I ran up
to the casket to see him. It was strange because I he
looked so very serious, much different than his usual
cheery smile that I had known so well, and his cheeks were
so white, and were missing their tint of pink that I got
from him. The thing that was missing the most were his
shinning blue eyes that had a smile in them all of their
own. I felt like he was the man I knew, and a stranger at
the very same moment, which was so hard for my childhood
mind to understand. I began to cry, silent tears and my
mother called me back to her, but I wasn't listening. I
stood there for a while more, and then I leaned in and
touched his face. My hand pulled back immediately after
because it was so cold, so hard and so cold. I tried
again just to make sure I wasn't imagining things, but it
was still hard. I stroked his face, trying to make it
soft again, but I failed. Then, with tears still slowly
dripping down my cheek, I turned around and went to my
mother, and she took me in her arms as I stood there.
Funny how I remember it so well. My first experience with
death, but I didn't really understand it until I went up
and touched him, and felt him being gone, then it hit me
that he really wasn't coming back. Yeah that is a long
story, but I might look back on this journal some day and
I will know, or rather will be reminded of how I felt, and
well everything. Besides, it feels slightly better to
write it down. Maybe it is sending a message to my brain,
saying that I don't have to cling to it so hard, because
the memory is now written here. Anyway, I have to go get
dinner started for the two boys I am babysitting. So
yeah, hopefully next time I will have more unlifting
things to say.

-*~*Silent Tears*~*


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