Crazy Diamond

ADHD is a wonderful thing
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2005-03-29 03:42:07 (UTC)

Monday Monday

Why does life have to be so monotonous and boring? I mean
Mondays are the worst. They are just like this huge
reminder that nothing ever really happens. That I do the
same thing week after week after week. I'm 27 for
Christ's sake. I'm way too serious. I keep thinking that
when my boy grows up.. .when he turns 18, then I'll be
able to do whatever. It would really be such a shame to
just work for the rest of my life. I should just be
grateful that I have a better job this year. And more
vacation time. Is it really better tho? I mean, the pay
is better. The benefits are better. There's no more long
commute. But, I think I've made up for all that "better"
with the amazing boringness. I guess I can't have it
all. I don't feel so crazy today. Maybe I need boring
and monotony to keep me sane. I know that not having time
to spend with myself keeps me sane. Not thinking keeps me
sane. Sometimes though..... It's really hard to write on
here and not worry that someone will know who I am. Like
I'm having trouble not editing. That's not good. I need
to not edit. To let it flow. That's the only way it'll
be therapeutic. So yesterday... I filled the sink up to
do dishes, then i grabbed a load of laundry to throw in
the washer, then I turned on my computer, then I started
flipping thru channels on tv. Found something to watch
and I thought " wait a minute, I don't have time to watch
tv, I'm doing dishes. No, I'm doing laundry. No, I'm
checking my email." That's when it really hit me.......
I think that I really do have ADHD. I hate having
something to blame shit on. I would so much rather feel
guilt and blame myself.