Cath

Easter 2005 and some reflecting

So I've been back in my hometown since last Thursday,
since there's no uni during Easter. At first I spent some
relaxing days with my parents, and Wednesday I went to
Ben's family's cottage in the mountains. It's such a
lovely place, right beside the skiing slopes, you don't
even have to walk to get to the ski lifts, you just put on
your skis and off you go. It's brilliant! Ben's mom and
dad and his two siblings (ages 16 and 18) were also there,
and we had a lovely, relaxing time. We hit the slopes
every day, and my legs are exhausted and my nose is
covered in freckels! The weather was perfect all week, a
totally blue sky and sun.

We got home yesterday evening, and today I've read in the
sun, spent time with my cousin and her son who are
visiting from Oslo and I went for a drive with my friend
Geri. I'm also meeting her in town tomorrow, and perhaps
Ben and Steve and perhaps a few others to have ice cream
in the sun. I can feel spring is coming!!! *YAY*

I'm going back to Trondheim Wednesday morning, and I'm
both looking forward to it and dreading it.

I'm looking forward to being with Ben every day and
finally having some privacy. With the total of four
parents (I've got a mummy and a daddy, and so does he :P )
and three siblings, there's no such thing as privacy or
intimacy! So I'm looking forward to that, and just
spending time together, cuddling on the sofa, making
dinner together and actually being able to kiss him
goodnight, not just make a :* on my cell and sending it to
him. I'm also looking forward to getting back to our
apartment, where I'm the boss of things, not my mom. And
I'm looking forward to seeing my friends again (or at
least some of them....) and going to a party we're invited
to Saturaday, and those kinds of things.

I'm not looking so much forward to having to start uni
again. I'm sick of all the hard work and always feeling
that I'm behind and nerver ahead. I'm dreading having to
starty studying for my exams while the weather is getting
warmer and spring is coming. All I want is summer break,
and it's several months and tons of hard work ahead, and I
won't even have much free time since I'm probably working
most of the summer. But at the same time as that bothers
me, I also take comfort in it. Cause I've managed to ge an
internship that is really valuable towards my degree,
which means that my work is paying off and that perhaps
some day I will actually get a job and maybe some day in a
thousand years I will be able to pay off my student loan
or what the crap it's called in English.
I'm also dreading having to do my own cooking, cleaning
and such. But in a way it's nice.
And when I get back, I can download the latest episode of
the O.C. YAY :P

Last night I was really tired and went to bed early. But
my skin was a little bothered from five days in the sun,
so I couldn't sleep. And when I'm lying in bed, not being
able to sleep, my mind wanders. And most of the time, in
wrong directions. The other day I read in the paper that
one out of four cheats. It was this article on how to live
with the fact that your loved one cheated on you. And I
started thinking.. I couldn't think of one single couple
among my friends where none of the involved ones hadn't
cheated or been cheated on in this or a previous
relationship. Steve, Geri, Tiff, Evan, Kristin, Tom.. all
cheaters or been cheated on. It made me think of this girl
that Ben kissed before we got together. She was one of his
class mates, and he was friends with her boyfriend as
well, they sometimes ski together. At this party we had in
our last year in high school Ben and this girl kissed
eventhough she was and still is with her boyfriend. The
same night Ben and I flirted and danced as usual and a few
months later we became an item. I didn't know about the
kiss before we got together.

So last night I started thinking about how Ben kissed her
just a couple of months before we became an item and it
actually made me sick. It litterally made me feel sick. I
couldn't help but think that if he kissed her, he couldn't
have been so much in love with me as he says he was. And
it's not that I doubt that he loves me now or anything,
but I've never really been able to believe that he was in
love with me for a long time before we got together. I
thought I didn't kiss anyone else for many months. I told
him about what I was thinking today, and he was like come
on, that was just a stupid little kiss, I thought I
couldn't have you and it's such a long time ago, let it go.

Well, I wasn't really able to let it go. Until I realized
something just now. Ben also said that he didn't think
that party was in january as I said it was, he thought it
was in November or something, almost six months before we
got together. I wasn't quite sure, so I started reading
old entries in this diary to see if i could find something
about the party. I couldn't, but I did find something
else.
I was flirting with Leo and staying over at his place (!)
in December. Nothing really happened between us, but
December was only four months before Ben and I got
together. So I realized that I totally over reacted about
the hole kissing thing. *laughs*
I'm such a girl!!!
I guess it's normal to feel sick when you think of your
boyfriend's girls from the past, but you're not supposed
to make a thing out of it three years later!! :D
I'll apologize tomorrow.

Speaking of Leo, it's kind of weird. I don't really have
any contact with him anymore, but I sometimes see him when
I'm home. We usually talk a little, but man, what did I
see in him? As I wrote back when I was flirting with him,
both my friends Ingrid and Lucy totally had a thing for
him. They were.. i dunno, almost obsessed with him. That's
not the right word, they were.. hooked on him, or he had
some kind of power over them. They were just not able to
get over him, and I'm not even sure if they are over him
now, three years later. We met him during Christmas, and
Ingrid was really fed up with him. Apparantly he's started
hanging out with a lot of gay guys, cause he thinks it's
so cool. How lame is that? Because it's COOL`? Hang out
with who ever you want, gay, straight, bisexual, not
interested in sex, people who don't have sex with the
light on, people who love high heels and rubber, but hang
out with them because you like them, not because it's cool!

Life is weird!

And Ben really makes me happy. Very happy, all the time.

This is such a long entry!
Haven't been much of them lately!

I'm gonna go to bed now, have a nice week everyone! :)