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2005-03-28 23:16:41 (UTC)

Venting Feelings

For the last few weeks Ive been thinking about the past
and about my life now. Sometimes I want to go back and
change things. I dont regret my children, and I dont
regret getting married. But I do think that if I would
have known how it would have turned out I would have
changed things. Juan and I fight alot. I feel like I aint
got no help at all. For some reason I am listening to a
lot of country music, and wishing I was back with my mom
in our old house in Oklahoma.

Im starting to seriously hate religion. And anyone that
even thinks they know me knows that the only time I was
ever religious was when I was a kid, and now it feels like
its being forced down my throat. If I dont act like
I "enjoy" it or act excited when Juans father is telling
me how Im going to be such a good Jehova's Witness odds
are 90/1 that if I told them I dont wanna be a witness Id
be kicked out the house and they'd try and take custody of
the baby, and they aint no way Id let that happen... He
dad acts like soon Ill be out there at 6 o'clock in the
morning telling other people the "truth", going to church
2 times a week and book study once a week, reading the
bible everyday... Yeah buddy I dont think so. If I ever
choose to be religious, it will be my choice and I will
gaurantee you I will never be a J.W. I feel like the
people who are J.W. are just choose that religion so they
dont have to buy things for birthdays and have christmas.
Id rather save up money all year long to have
christmas,then to just spend a little bit here and there
whenever its not a "holiday" Juan always says "why does it
have to be that specific day that you get presents or eat
or make a cake?" I asked him if it would make him feel
better if we had Christmas on the 26th. To me Jehova
witnesses are a buncha hipocrits. They tell you that if
your celebrating holidays and doing other things
that "displeases God" that if you stop and ask for
forgivness that God will forgive you. I mean I know that
alot of other religions teach you about God forgiving
sinners, But these people, ughh what makes me so made is
that if you make a mistake they kick you outta "their"
church. Since when is it thier church, and not Gods
church? And since when should a person be kicked outta
church for making a mistake? They kicked out a girl who
got pregnant, and were going to kick out Angel, Juans
brother, because he got a tattoo. Speaking of Angel, if he
messes up at school, his dad, Juans stepdad, beats him.
Yeah, show me where in the Bible it tells you that your
allowed to abuse your children, fuking hipocrit. Same
fukin hipocrit that says that his son Angel cant have any
friends that are J.W's. Wouldnt you want your son to have
an influence on other children not ones who are already
hipocrits. By the way Angel, in my opinion wont be a
witness as soon as he leaves this house. Its just being
forced on him to. I hate people that are such hipocrits, I
mean everybody is a hipocrit sometimes, but his father, is
one of the biggest hipocrits I have ever met. He wouldnt
watch the movie "Elf" because its about Christmas, and yet
he watches violent movies or horror movies, which by the
way your not allowed to watch any "scary" movie when your
a witness, but I do anyways. He tells Juan how he
should "treat your wife like a fragile glass" and every
other night or two we can hear him yelling at Juans mom.
Im going to be dying my hair blue in a few weeks, and I
know he aint gonna like that, but its my hair and I make
my own decisions. I could go on and on and on about this
topic, but Ill talk about something else now.

Saturday night Juans Mom and Dad had invited some people
to come over and eat and watch T.V. and I didnt want to be
there with all those people because 1. I have social
disorders, and 2. They all speak spanish, and I dont. So I
got Kodie and the baby ready and we were just about to
leave and his mom gets all up in my business and tells me
I cant go anywhere because its dark outside. I am almost
18 years old, Im married and have two kids and she thinks
she can tell me to stay in because its dark outside, psh
fuk her. Shes usually the cool one but no one makes my
decisions for me. But noooooo outta respect for Juan I
didnt argue and I just went to my room and got ready for
bed, thinking if I cant go I migth as well catch up on my
sleep cuz I aint going out there with all those people.
Then out of nowhere comes Juan, and Im like what are you
doing here. Well appearently his mother had called him to
say that I was going to go off walking in the dark with
Kodie and the baby and that he needs to come home from
work and give us a ride. I just looked at him and told him
to go back to work cuz I aint going. and he told me not to
be mad. I said it wasnt his fault, but people need to back
off because I dont not need people treating me like Im
stuipid. Even an Idiot could walk 3 blocks in the dark. 3
fukin blocks people~! Lighten up. Go read your bible or
something! She acts like shes better than everyone else in
the house because she reads the bible every day and she
goes preaching 60 hrs a week. I call that not having a

I dont know, pretty much Ive been thinking about the past
alot and all the people I used to talk to online like
Krazone Chris, B!tchmaster Chris, Blood, Monkeyman50
Brent, Zep and emi from mtv. Ive also been thinking about
my two best friends Nikki J. and Shawn L. I havent talked
with them for a long time or seen either of them for over
two maybe even three years. Ive also been thinking about
my last 2 boyfriends, Parks and David. I know at the time
there was no way I was going to stay with either of them,
but Ive been wondering what it would be like now if I
wouldnt be married and got back with them now. I know they
would both take me back even though I had Juans baby. All
Id have to do is call David and tell him and thatd be
that. Parks might take about 20 minutes and a few tears,
but I could get him back.

Right now all I really want is my husband to appreciate me
more and do all the little things that we did when we
first got together. Just because we make love doesnt mean
that hes showing me how much he loves me, to me its not
special if you do it every day, or if your expecting it.
It should just happen out of the blue. Like a few days ago
when he had the next day off of work I woke him up in the
middle of the night by kissing him and we made love. That
was special. Not because I wanted it, but because it wasnt

Well Im outta time right now. I gotta go feed Kodie and
see whats going on with the baby. Talk with ya all later.

Til next time.

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