muse

void deck
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2005-03-28 14:54:46 (UTC)

today...

I wanted to put down something more cheerful, write
something different from what I have always written. It is
quite hard to write something cheerful, prolly because
there is nothing to be happy about in my life these days.
It's either depressing or normal.

Something interesting happened in math lecture today. A
guy apparently has asked the lecturer to put up his
powerpoint slide on show at the end of the first half of
the lecture. It said: "Cui Wen, take my hand" complete
with some mushy, puppy-love kind of clip arts. And he
walked up the steps of the lecture theatre with a bouquet
of flowers and gave it to the girl. Gosh. That was soppy.
When I told this to Suzanne, she went: "Aw... so sweet...
who's that lucky girl?"

And by that time, I know. I am really devoid of feelings.
I felt nothing when that scene happened before me. I did
not feel touched, envious, happy, whatever. I just looked
at it, smiled and was not excited at all. How sad it is to
be unable to feel. To be detached from most things in
life, if not all.

Suzanne feels so sad for not being able to stay in hall
next semester. And I, without a tinge of sadness, just
left my hall next semester. No one made an impression on
me. No memories left behind. It's so easy to leave. Life
is so simple when there is no feelings involved.

The problem is I am trying too hard to be a rationalist.
I'm hurting for depriving myself from feelings. Even if I
say I am attracted to some guys, I have no deep emotions
for them.

Take a look at me. Well, there is just an empty space.

***

Works are piling up. Exams coming. And I have two mid-term
tests waiting for me at the end of this week. I should
start panicking.

Have not started working on my two essays. CTW position
paper is yet to be finalised. Oral defense coming up.
Lagging behind.

Yet, I don't feel the urge to study. No. I just want to
laze around.

Just splurged 72 bucks this afternoon for Straits Times
Interactive subscription for 6 months. I think this is a
good investment though. Have not been reading papers for
some time now. I hope this subscription will somehow
compel me to read papers more often.

***

Had a good lunch today at Techno Edge with Tessie and
Kresna. That malay food stall is good. Been eating the
same things for 2 semesters now and I have not gotten
bored of it. Amazing.

This feeling is great.


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