Magnolia Jones

My Truth
2005-03-28 06:18:35 (UTC)

The Lies I Tell Myself

How bad of a person am I? I tell myself I dont want to do
this. That I dont want to keep having sex with that guy,
yet I do. I do. I cant stop myself. And maybe I dont wanna
stop and thats why I keep at it over and over again.
Hell not even a half hour ago there I was flat on my back
letting him tell me how good I felt. And I mean this guy is
not stupid at all. He's one of those guys who knows just
what to say to make you want to take all your clouthes off
for him, just to hear whatever else he can say to you. All
those sexy words...
I give up!
I cant take it any longer. He is unbelievable. I dont even
like him. Yet, I open my legs for him religiously. Any time
he wants it there I am thinking 'Okay baby you can have
But I really dont want to be this way. I really know deep
down inside, I deserve more. That I deserve better. You
dont have to tell me I'm selling myself short I already now
it. I see it in my eyes when I look at myself. I tell
myself, "Magnolia Jones you are a silly woman." And its the
truth. But the lies I tell myself over rules that.
I tell myself that this meaningless sex is my choice that
if he had never bought it up that one day when I was out
walking and I saw him, that I would have asked him. Truth
is I wouldnt have. I'm ashamed of my self I cant even
manage to tell my family that I'm still letting the one guy
who ruined my life touch me. I let him fuck me and get up
and leave. Half the time I'm so dazed that I dont even
believe it happened but it do. He calls me privet on the
CID and askes me when I want to do i. I then return his
call in the wee hours of the night and let him come over my
house or I meet him some place and let him have his way
with me whie I moan against his neak like he's the best lay
I ever had when sometimes he's just not. ANd other times I
tell myself that I just couldnt live without him putting it
to me like that. All rough and hard. I like it. But you
know, that could just be another lie I tell myself.

*** Sorry for the bad spelling. I'm no good at that sort of
thing. ANd really I can write much better its just that Its
so late... G'nite