Codesmith

Life, Or Something Like It
2005-03-24 16:01:13 (UTC)

Dilluted Entry

It's 0324, Thursday. 1008am. Slightly chilly. Other than
that, it appears to be approaching Spring ever so slowly.

I started an entry last night, although I killed it before I
posted it. Intentionally. It didn't seem right to post,
because, ... when I kept reading it over, it didn't seem to
say what I wanted it to say. Or maybe, I just wasn't happy
with what I was saying. It wasn't coming out as perfectly as
I had wanted it to be.

So, to briefly summarize the entry that won't ever exist, I
basically talked about love and expectations in love. Mostly
because, I kept being reminded of the conversation I had
with Lori last night. Well, not last night. More like two
nights ago.

I don't know if this is a significant observation or not, or
if at all, ... but I noticed that there are certain
conflicts that I have between my personality and my
expectations in certain areas. It's hard to reconcile the
two. I mean, I have a way of behaving and then I have
certain expectations. They tend to ... be diametrically
opposed at times, which presents obstacles for me.

I'm faintly reminded that maybe I am over analyzing things.
I am apt to do that, afterall. So, maybe all this is really
just some rambling in the late morning.

I don't even know what I really want to talk about at the
moment. So I guess I'll just throw out random news. Melanie
is back. I hadn't heard from her in ages, and I got an email
from her the other day. Apparently she moved offices. Across
the street and everything. She said she's moving to another
city sometime during the year. A city, which is suppose to
have an incredibly high cost of living. I have no idea why
... I think she told me something about how everyone was
rich there or something. Incredibly high and inflated prices
there, I imagine. So, she's happy because it will be
reflected in her salary. I'm happy for her too, although, to
be honest ... I could really care less. I mean, I do care
that she's happy or not. But it's just that I'm not that
close with her. I don't really know for certain, why.

Maybe it's because she's a Libra. She hides things well from
me, and she's quite the civilized person. So she only shows
what she wants to show to me. That, sort of bothers me. But
to be fair, everyone does that. I do it too. But I've known
for years. Hiding how you feel? That always made me feel as
if she never really did love me. It's probably one of the
major reasons why I don't believe her when she'd tell me she
loved me. How can you love someone, and hide your feelings
from them at the same time?

I'm guessing there is a reason, but until I figure that
reason out or am told of that reason ... it doesn't make
sense to me.

I mean, when you love someone, don't you go out on a limb
and share every part of you with them?

... I'm guessing, maybe not all the time. Maybe you only
share some of what you feel and as time goes on ... you
share more. You open more.

That's understandable. Certainly, it is. But how long does
it take before you're at the point where they share alot of
things with you? In Melanie's case, ... I was never at that
point and we knew each other for years.

I think maybe, ... maybe, what bothered me was that I could
understand her position but, she didn't understand mine.
That, I could understand her reluctance to share how she
felt about things ... but she couldn't understand my need to
know how she felt about things.

In this case, I have a hard time determining who is being
fair and who isn't. Maybe, I should be more understanding?
But then, you could also make the argument, that she should
be more open. So which is it?

I guess it goes back to what love is "suppose" to be. If you
love someone you'd try to be more accomodating for them,
right? So, if I loved her ages ago and was accomodating ...
then why couldn't she love me back and be accomodating as well?

Not that any of this matters really. Because, in the last
analysis I don't love Melanie at all. I'm in a platonic
relationship with her.

... I only mention all this about Melanie because, in a
weird sort of way, it goes back to the entry I deleted
yesterday. Not that I talked about Melanie yesterday or
being in love with her or what not. The entry had nothing to
do with it at all ... rather in my entry I tried to
abstractly explain that I have personality conflicts between
what I know I should do and what I expect to have happen in
certain situations. If that makes any sense. The Melanie
example is just an attempt at a solid example of that
observation that might or might not be very significant or
profound. But then again, most of the stuff I come up with
here aren't that very interesting.

But even saying that, I've not really exposed much about
what I was trying to say yesterday. I'm ... tempted to
delete this entry. But, that would probably be a sin. A sin
according to the ten commandments of my journal.

So, I will leave this here ... go to class ... and hopefully
afterwards, I can try to explain more of what I'm trying to
say.

I think these questions somewhat approximately sums up what
I'm trying to say ... "In general, are my expectations in
love a little far fetched? Furthermore, ... if someone
doesn't show any signs of being in love, does that mean they
aren't in love?"




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