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2005-03-24 12:46:53 (UTC)

Me And My Mind

I'm starting to believe that I'm never going to be the
same. My mind is in overtime thinking way to much. I should
be very happy, I tell myself. Your husband SAYS he loves
you and never will leave you. I have a wonderful daughter
and another baby on the way. I have so much to look forward
to but I keep letting things bother me. I brought my
feelings up to him again a couple of days ago. I told him
how I have a hard time with what he has said. He keeps
telling me he was wrong and stupid for everything he said
and done during that bad time. I believe him but I don't
think he is being completely honest with me. He almost
found out that I read his blog because I mentioned how he
has said that we weren't happy on our wedding day. He said
in his blog that us not being happy was tragic. He made
it seem like we are never happy. After I said that he asked
me if I have looked at his blog, I said no. I asked him why
he deletes the history everytime he gets on his apple. He
says he checks the blog to see if anyone has left a
comment. He deletes it so I don't see it. I ask him if the
reason why he don't want me to look at it is because he
says things about her(meaning susie bitch). He says he
talks about her as a friend but thats it. Which is true but
it seems like more to me then that with the way he thanks
her so much for being there for him. Like I want to be but
he wouldn't let me. He wanted her to be there for him. I'm
his wife and have done everything I can for him and turns
to another bitch for help. I getting mad, I need to calm
down. I keep trying to tell myself it's over, he admitted
that he made a mistake. He swears it won't happen again. So
why can't I move past this? I found myself this morning
going through papers by his computer to see what they say.
Then I tell myself he's not that stupid. If he wanted to do
something behind my back, he would never leave a paper like
that out in the open. He told me if it would make me feel
better he would delete the blog. I told him that he don't
have to do that. He said he was thinking about doing that
anyways because he feels he don't need it anymore. I hope
he keeps writing in it because I feel that it's the only
way I will know what he's truly thinking. So today is the
last day of work for me for awhile. I have taken a few days
of vacation after easter. I hope having a few days will
help me clear my head. I'm going to see my counsler today.
I hope she can give me some advice on moving on and how to
cope with what has happened. I'm so scared right now
because I keep thinking that things won't get better
because I can't accept what has happen. I keep it in my
mind 24/7 and I can't figure a way out. If anybody reads
this and has any advice, I would surely appreciate it. I
need something or someone to help.

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