Addicted2Blu

Love Is a Wonderous Thing
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2005-03-24 08:38:53 (UTC)

HOLY FUCKING SHIT

Nate has told me often that he believes in the theory
of one person for everyone. He also believed a short while
ago that there was someone better for both of us out
there. I disagreed. Actually I didnt KNOW for sure but I
sure as hell didnt want to be with him if I discovered
there was and wondered if he really believed that then why
was he wasting his time on me? I have discovered that Nate
is NOT the one for me.

After "reuniting" with Cody my beliefs were that
there possibly was someone better for me than Nate. I knew
I could be happier with someone else. I also decided that
that was no reason to rush out of things with Nate. Let's
see where all this goes I thought. And when Nate found out
he took it very well. We are still together and acting
like adults and really very good to each other. For the
most part ya know. Then I finally met Justin today.

Im not proclaiming my love for the guy. Im not
imagining a wedding and shit like that. What I realized is
that HOLY FUCKING SHIT there really IS someone out there
who is much more compatible with me than Nate. Someone who
I would do much better with than Nate. Nates love, OUR
love, is a very comfortable love where we enjoy the
COMFORT of not being alone. And yes we do love each other
dearly but lately, I realized I am not at my happiest.
Which makes me think that this is the reason I have been
unfaithful.

Dont get me wrong here, I hate myself for cheating,
logically. But emotionally (which goes without logic) I do
not feel guilty. Nate is a very selfish person, in many
ways, one of which includes other peoples feelings and
their time. He has always been this way and Im not sure he
will ever change. I hope someday he does and that he finds
someone who is so compatible with him that it blows his
mind. No I don't want to hook up with Justin, though I
would were we both single. I just realized that if I
clique with someone as instantly and as immensely as I do
with this guy, how much better could me and Nate have it
separate from each other?

Now let me tell you about Justin.... No this isnt
some little crush or anything like that. This is me being
SO EXCITED I am BESIDE MYSELF.... that I have found
someone who understands me. Someone who has their head on
straight, someone who blows my mind at how mature they
are, someone who KNOWS what Im thinking and knows WHY.
SOMEONE UNDERSTANDS. One of the best things about Cody is
that Im not playing Mom with his drama in his life. Hes
pretty solid and doesnt NEED that counseling crap that my
girlfriends do. With Justin.... he's a lot like both mine
and Cody's personalities....where we try to be as solid as
possible and often find ourselves counseling others and
giving advice to others. Watching others learn lessons we
have already come to know. If there was ever a person MORE
like me in the world you'd be hard pressed to find em.

This is the saddest thing I have ever admitted to
myself but also one of the most eye opening qualitites,
like I said it blew my mind. I am really excited to have
this new friend, and its someone who I feel I could spend
some kick ass time with. It's kind of a new feeling,
feeling on the same level with someone but not really
wanting to hook up. Its a good feeling. Its kind of
liberating as though all of the sudden I am totally
independant. Maybe its the lack of feeling so codependant
on Nate anymore. Maybe its just refreshing (that is
DEFENITELY SOME of it). Either way I know where my life is
going for the next few months maybe years. Finally where
its supposed to be going.

Cody would say this is me being James Bond. LMAO....
his nickname for me because he feels I have the need to
figure everything out in life. Yes I do and no I don't.
THIS is something though that dawned on me more than I
worked to come to this conclusion. I didnt stress about
this realization, the shit just happened. Which is the
nicest kind of epiphany you can have. It feels good. It
feels natural. And it makes doing the hardest things in
life much easier on you.........unfortunately there will
still be tears. So I will of course write more about it
when it happens.


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